Kevin Hearne - Hounded (2011)

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I had privately changed 'This, too, shall pass' into 'You, too, shall die'.

Kevin Hearne
Let me tell you, people go on and on about what a great idea electricity was, but I'm going to put toilet paper right next to the wheel and say those are the best ideas anyone's ever had. Scoff at it if you will, but try living for two millennia without it and then we'll talk.

Kevin Hearne
I would never behave with so little dignity. Nor would I wish to be confronted in such a manner by anyone else. Vampires inspire screams, not squees. Involuntary urination is common, I grant, but it properly flows from a sense of terror, not an ecstatic sense of hero worship.

Kevin Hearne
Whoa. He had ghouls on speed dial. My lawyer kicks so much ass.

Kevin Hearne
Aw, no. You're taking us to that vegetarian place, aren't you? It's a coffee place. You can't just automatically classify anything that isn't a steak house as vegetarian. Yes, I can. This is America. You said Americans assert their own opinions as if they were facts and dismiss inconvenient facts as mere opinions.

Kevin Hearne
Yer a good lad, Atticus, mowin' me lawn and killin' what Brits come around.

Kevin Hearne
The point is, Mrs. MacDonagh, that the universe is exactly the size that your soul can encompass. Some people live in extremely small worlds, and some live in a world of infinite possibility.

Kevin Hearne
Thank you, Morrigan. This is very helpful, I said, already feeling myself warming up. And delivered to me entirely without pain. The Morrigan sucker-punched me hard in the face, sending me sprawling in the snow and breaking my nose. You spoke too soon and with entirely too much sarcasm, she said. We could have parted with a kiss. Remember that....

Kevin Hearne
There are many perks to living for twenty-one centuries, and foremost among them is bearing witness to the rare birth of genius. It invariably goes like this: Someone shrugs off the weight of his cultural traditions, ignores the baleful stares of authority, and does something his countrymen think to be completely batshit insane. Of those, Galileo was my personal favorite. Van Gogh comes in second, but he really was batshit insane.

Kevin Hearne
Oh, I know. They're dwarfs pretending to be elves. No, they're not dwarfs either. Okay, okay, they're little people, I'm sorry! Can't believe I have to be politically correct when you're the only one who can hear me.

Kevin Hearne
Malina looked incredulous. "Are you anything more than a Druid?" "Of course I am. I own this shop and I play a mean game of chess, and I've been told that I'm a frakkin' Cylon." "What's a frakkin' Cylon?" "I don't know, but it sounds really scary when you say it with a Polish Accent.

Kevin Hearne
Flidais clapped her hands in delight. "Oh, I bet he nearly shat kine!" That made me laugh - I hadn't heard that expression in a long, long time. I refrained from telling her that the modern expression would be "he had a cow", because I liked the original better. "Yes, the kine he nearly shat would have fed several clans.

Kevin Hearne
Wisdom eludes me yet, but foolishness I captured long ago and to this day it is my constant companion, though many people consider me wise.

Kevin Hearne
People used to say obvious things ironically or as a form of understatement, but in the last few decades they seem to say it with a sense of discovery, and it worries me.

Kevin Hearne
She's kind of like a Mary Poppins just before she turns to the dark side of the Force," Oberon said. He was still behind the counter, but he had a good lok at her as she exited. "Let go of your anger, Malina! There's still good in you! The Emperor hasn't driven it from you fully!

Kevin Hearne
When he said to give him the sword, I don't think he meant for you to stick it in his guts.

Kevin Hearne
Ye know what me Sean used to say, God rest his soul? He said, 'A friend will help ye move, Katie, but a really good friend will help ye move a body.

Kevin Hearne
Anyone who's ever tried to tangle with a teddy bear cholla knows there's a whole lot more bear than teddy to it.

Kevin Hearne
No, she knows you're here. She can see through the camouflage. But I think she's hiding something from me, and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Never mind. Just listen. Once she drinks the tea, she will try ot surprise me with something. She is waiting for the contrast to be fully in effect before she says anything. I knew I never should have let you watch The Wizard of Oz.

Kevin Hearne
The Morrigan's ideas of sport and mine varied widely. As a Chooser of the Slain, she tends to enjoy nothing so much as a protracted war. She hangs out with Kali and the Valkyries and they have a death goddesses' night out on the battlefield.

Kevin Hearne
Monty Python is like catnip for nerds. Once you get them started quoting it, they are constitutionally incapable of feeling depressed.

Kevin Hearne
You are telling me that your lawyer is a bloodsucking vampire?

Kevin Hearne
I can't spend too much time in the forests because I invariably leave traces-ridiculously happy trees, basically, since I'm the last Druid in the world and they tend to geek out like Joss Whedon fans when I show up.

Kevin Hearne
Gods can screw anything and anybody. For reference, see history. Atticus O'Sullivan

Kevin Hearne
Not everyone can be bribed with meat, Oberon." "They Can't? Oh! you mean they're vegetarian." "No, they eat meat. It just doesn't sway their decision making process." "Well that... that's just wrong, Atticus! Are they Monsters? It's like they have no moral center!

Kevin Hearne