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Chelsea Handler Quotes
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At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.
Chelsea Handler
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Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.
Chelsea Handler
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I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.
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I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.
Chelsea Handler
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I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.
Chelsea Handler
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Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?
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He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week.
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Men don't realize that if we're sleeping with them on the first date, we're probably not interested in seeing them again either.
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Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail.
Chelsea Handler
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Destiny is the invention of the cowardly, and the resigned.
Ignazio Silone
Chelsea Handler
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Born:
February 25, 1975
(age 49)
Bio:
Chelsea Joy Handler is an American comedian, actress, writer, television host, and producer.
Known for:
Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang (2010)
Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea (2008)
Uganda Be Kidding Me (2014)
My Horizontal Life (2005)
Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me (2011)
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time
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told
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dog
person
wanted
relationship
eight
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