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Who knew three dots could make such a difference? Like everything else, a love or a wish or whatever, it was all in the way you read it.
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As I stepped out to face myself in the mirror, reaching a hand to smooth away the steam, I saw myself differently. It was as if I had grown again as I slept, but this time just to fit my own size. As if my soul had expanded, filling out the gaps of the height that had burdened me all these months. Like a balloon filling slowly with air, becoming all smooth and buoyant, I felt like I finally fit within myself, edge to edge, every crevice filled.
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Despite our differences, we did have a history. No one understood where I was coming from the way he did.
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Wake up, Caitlin, Mr. Lensing had said. But what he didn't understand was that this dreamland was preferable, walking through this life half-sleeping, everything at arm's length or farther away.
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Yes, it sucked getting dumped. But wasn't it better to just be brutally honest? To admit that your feeling for someone is never going to be powerful enough to justify taking up any more of their time? I was doing him a favor, really. Freeing him up for a better opportunity. In fact, I was a practically a saint, if you really thought about it. Exactly.
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It's a big deal when you finally get the chance to do the one thing you want to do -need to do- more than anything. It can kind of scare the crap out of you.
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There's something nice about the silence of a car ride in the dark, going home. When you were tired of the radio and conversation, and it was okay to just be alone with your thoughts and the road ahead. If you're that comfortable with someone, you don't have to talk.
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But there was only one truth about forever that really mattered, and that was this: it was happening.
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Welcome to adulthood," she said. "It sucks as much as high school.
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You need demarcation." "Demarcation?" I asked. "It means a clear separation between two things," he told me. "A solid end before a clean beginning. No murky borders. Clarity.
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And that was as far as he got before i heard it. The thumping of footsteps, running up the lawn toward me: It seemed like I could hear it through the grass, like leaning your ear to a railroad track and feeling the train coming, miles away. As the noise got closer I could hear ragged breaths, and then a voice. It was my mother.
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So I left him there alone to watch history repeat the same events retold again and again on his own.
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I can say I made a lot of mistakes, but I don't regret things. Because at least I didn't spend a life standing outside, wondering what living would be like.
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There was nothing, nothing to depend on. And why was I surprised?
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Together, we looked down at the tiny house, the sole thing on this vast, flat surface. Like the only person living on the moon. It could be either lonely or peaceful, depending on how you looked at it. "It's a start," I said.
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A lot can change between planning something and actually doing it. But maybe all that really matters is that anything is different at all.
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It's still a memory worth having, even if it's not exactly what you imagined.
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Watching him, I thought, not for the first time that night, that maybe it should have felt strange to be with him, here, now. And yet it didn't, at all. That was one of the things about the night. Stuff that would be weird in the bright light of day just wasn't so much once you passed a certain hour. It was like the dark just evened it all out somehow.
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The fate of your heart is your choice and no one else gets a vote
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It was kind of soothing, these sounds of lives being lived all around me, for better or for worse. And there I was, in the middle of them all, newly reborn and still waiting for mine to begin.
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I took his wildness from him and tried to fold it into myself, filling up the empty spaces all those second place finishes left behind.
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But anyone can begin. It was the part with all the promise, the potential, the things I loved. More and more, though, I was finding myself wanting to find out what happened in the end..
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Leaving was easy. It was everything else that was so damned hard.
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It's funny how someone's perception of you can be formed without you even knowing it.
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Again, it occurred to me how weird it was to be permanent in a place that to everyone else was only temporary. Like I could never be sure if they were the ones who weren't real, or if I was.
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Quote of the day
Autumn burned brightly, a running flame through the mountains, a torch flung to the trees.
Faith Baldwin
Sarah Dessen
Born:
June 6, 1970
(age 53)
Bio:
Sarah Dessen is an American writer who lives in Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
Known for:
Just Listen (2006)
The Truth About Forever (2004)
This Lullaby (2002)
Along for the Ride (2009)
Saint Anything (2015)
Most used words:
time
thought
people
love
life
moment
felt
person
hard
easy
wanted
finally
looked
alone
bad
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