Roseanne Barr Quotes

57 Sourced Quotes

Whatever helps you sleep is my opinion on the subject, and that's what I like about the western world's most popular religion, it has helped put so many people to sleep, although most of them permanently and without their approval.

Roseanne Barr
If we were to see one flying woman, we would
instantly
know how to rise and join her —
for she could speak to us in our own tongue
with the magic instructions...

Roseanne Barr
He'd never laugh at my jokes.... I was a woman, meaning my relationship with humor should have been as an object, not a perpetrator.

Roseanne Barr
The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.

Roseanne Barr
The one who cares the most wins.... That's how I knew I'd end up with everyone else waving the white flags and not me. That's how I knew I'd be the last person standing when it was all over.... I cared the most.

Roseanne Barr
I'm on the mirror diet. You eat all your food in front of a mirror in the nude. It works pretty good, though some of the fancier restaurants don't go for it.

Roseanne Barr
They say lesbians hate men. How can they? They don't have to fuck them.

Roseanne Barr
I hate being called a housewife. I prefer being called a domestic goddess.

Roseanne Barr
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.

Roseanne Barr
I survived my childhood by birthing many separate identities to stand in for one another in times of great stress and fear.

Roseanne Barr
I used to think I was an interesting person, but I must tell you how sobering a thought it is to realize your life's story fills about thirty-five pages and you have, actually, not much to say.

Roseanne Barr
You must never be afraid in New York City, because then you will call bad stuff to you and you will not like it there.

Roseanne Barr
I figure when my husband comes home at night, if those kids are still alive, hey, I've done my job.

Roseanne Barr
My parents... had decided early on that all of the problems in my family had somehow to do with me. All roads led to Roseyville, a messy, chaotic town where, as parents, they were required to visit, but could never get out of quick enough or find a decent parking place.

Roseanne Barr
Hollywood is the only place on earth that has more vampires, more undead, more resurrections than a month of Easter Sundays.

Roseanne Barr
The only options open for girls then were of course mother, secretary or teacher. At least that's what we all thought and were preparing ourselves for. Now, I must say how lucky we are, as women, to live in an age where 'Dental Hygienist' has been added to the list.

Roseanne Barr
Husbands are never happy. My husband asked me for more space, so I locked him out of the house.

Roseanne Barr
You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but 14 years later you're married to a couch that burps.

Roseanne Barr
I'm a heterosexual. I don't know why I'm like this. I was just born this way.

Roseanne Barr
Most of the books call Her a He, but I am able to ascertain what is meant, despite that semantic error..

Roseanne Barr
I used to think that communing with nature was a healing, positive thing. Now, I think I'd like to commune with other things — like room service and temperature control.

Roseanne Barr
I had left home (like all Jewish girls) in order to eat pork and take birth control pills. When I first shared an intimate evening with my husband, I was swept away by the passion (so dormant inside myself) of a long and tortured existence. The physical cravings I had tried so hard to deny, finally and ultimately sated... But enough about the pork.

Roseanne Barr
Blogging what I believe has always been a dangerous act to some people. I'm writing what I think, and I think others should do the same.

Roseanne Barr
Suddenly, people had three phone numbers but never answered their phones.

Roseanne Barr
Being a mom is rewarding. You've got all these little people and you could really mess up their heads forever. Only moms can say stuff like, 'Don't talk with your mouth full. Answer me!'

Roseanne Barr
Growing up in a Jewish matriarchal world inside the patriarchal paradise of Salt Lake City, Utah, gave me increased perspective on gender issues, as it also did my gay brother and my lesbian sister. Our younger sister is the perfect Jewish-American wife and mother, and is fiercely proud of that fact.

Roseanne Barr
Without democracy in our homes, we will never have it in the world.

Roseanne Barr