Mark Twain Quotes

1,400 Sourced Quotes

There ought to be a room in every house to swear in. It's dangerous to have to repress an emotion like that.

Mark Twain
I am not the editor of a newspaper and shall always try to do right and be good so that God will not make me one.

Mark Twain
Another editor. That thing behind his ear is his pencil. Whenever he finds a bright thing in your manuscript he strikes it out with that. That does him good, and makes him smile and show his teeth, the way he is doing in the picture. This one has just been striking out a smart thing, and now he is sitting there with his thumbs in his vest-holes, gloating. They are full of envy and malice, editors are.

Mark Twain
None but an ass pays a compliment and asks a favour at the same time. There are many asses.

Mark Twain
Conductor, when you receive a fare, Punch in the presence of the passenjare. A blue trip slip for an eight-cent fare, A buff trip slip for a six-cent fare, A pink trip slip for a three-cent fare, Punch in the presence of the passenjare! Punch, brothers! punch with care! Punch in the presence of the passenjare!

Mark Twain
When some men discharge an obligation, you can hear the report for miles around.

Mark Twain
I once heard a grouty Northern invalid say that a coconut tree might be poetical, possibly it was; but it looked like a feather-duster struck by lightning.

Mark Twain
The election makes me think of a story of a man who was dying. He had only two minutes to live, so he sent for a clergyman and asked him, "Where is the best place to go to?" He was undecided about it. So the minister told him that each place had its advantages--heaven for climate, and hell for society.

Mark Twain
A group of men in evening clothes looks like a flock of crows, and is just about as inspiring.

Mark Twain
The xmas holidays have this high value: that they remind Forgetters of the Forgotten, & repair damaged relationships.

Mark Twain
You ought never to sass old people- unless they sass you first.

Mark Twain
By common consent of all the nations and all the ages the most valuable thing in this world is the homage of men, whether deserved or undeserved.

Mark Twain
All gentle cant and philosophizing to the contrary notwithstanding, no people in this world ever did achieve their freedom by goody-goody talk and moral suasion: it being immutable law that all revolutions that will succeed, must begin in blood.

Mark Twain
Many foolish persons, wanderers from other parts, have the vain fashion of graving their names and the obscure places whence they come, upon its stones, which is silly and marketh the doer for a fool.

Mark Twain
It is sound statesmanship to add two battleships every time our neighbour adds one and two stories to our skyscrapers every time he piles a new one on top of his to threaten our light. There is no limit to this soundness but the sky.

Mark Twain
It is my heart-warmed and world-embracing Christmas hope and aspiration that all of us, the high, the low, the rich, the poor, the admired, the despised, the loved, the hated, the civilized, the savage (every man and brother of us all throughout the whole earth), may eventually be gathered together in a heaven of everlasting rest and peace and bliss, except the inventor of the telephone.

Mark Twain
Who are the oppressors? The few: the King, the capitalist, and a handful of other overseers and superintendents. Who are the oppressed? The many: the nations of the earth; the valuable personages; the workers; they that make the bread that the soft-handed and idle eat.

Mark Twain
If you should rear a duck in the heart of the Sahara, no doubt it would swim if you brought it to the Nile.

Mark Twain
Any mummery will cure if the patient's faith is strong in it.

Mark Twain
Astonishing things can be done with the human memory if you will devote it faithfully to one particular line of business.

Mark Twain
Every citizen of the republic ought to consider himself an unofficial policeman, and keep unsalaried watch and ward over the laws and their execution.

Mark Twain
One of my theories is that the hearts of men are about alike, no matter what their skin color.

Mark Twain
One must keep one's character. Earn a character first if you can, and if you can't, then assume one.

Mark Twain
But soft you, the fair Ophelia: Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, But get thee to a nunnery - go!

Mark Twain
We have to be despised by somebody whom we regard as above us, or we are not happy; we have to have somebody to worship and envy,or we cannot be content. In America we manifest this in all the ancient and customary ways. In public we scoff at titles and hereditary privilege, but privately we hanker after them, and when we get a chance we buy them for cash and a daughter.

Mark Twain
Perhaps it will be simplest to throw away the tags and generalize India with one all-comprehensive name, as the Land of Wonders.

Mark Twain
I have traveled more than anyone else, and I have noticed that even the angels speak English with an accent.

Mark Twain
Our best built certainties are but sand-houses and subject to damage from any wind of doubt that blows

Mark Twain
Seasickness: at first you are so sick you are afraid you will die, and then you are so sick you are afraid you won't die.

Mark Twain
Man seems to be a rickety poor sort of thing, any way you take him; a kind of British Museum of infirmities and inferiorities. He is always undergoing repairs. A machine that was as unreliable as he is would have no market.

Mark Twain