Daniel Tosh Quotes

24 Sourced Quotes

I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fake... We have shows like Extreme Make-Over: "I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it."

Daniel Tosh
Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, Hey, at least I'm not pregnant

Daniel Tosh
Anal sex is a lot like spinach: if you're forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult.

Daniel Tosh
Thank you... I deserve that. I'm really good. I'm one of the best. Actually, I'm the best, currently ranked number one in the world. So buckle up. You guys are in for a treat. Oh, 19,000 people, This is awesome. Thank you. Seriously, don't look around. It's 19,000. People watching on tv, they never know. They're so stupid. That's why they watch tv.

Daniel Tosh
I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

Daniel Tosh
You ever hear this expression? The worst day of fishing is better than the best day at work. Uh, I'll call B. S. I've watched the Deadliest Catch on Discovery. I've never once been at work, capsized in a 40 degree water, watched all my co-workers die, and be like, "Hey, at least we're fucking fishin'."

Daniel Tosh
You know who LOVES to get fisted? Sock puppets. That joke is adorable!

Daniel Tosh
You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"

Daniel Tosh
The floor is lava! That's the lava game, when you pretend that the floor is lava and you climb up on all the furniture. I see some of you don't get that. I don't care, that's okay. You might have called it something else, but it meant the same thing; you were poor. I'd tell my mom, "I want a Nintendo." and she'd reply "The floor is lava!" "What's wrong with our house? Why can't we afford better carpeting? It's called two jobs, bitch!" That's how I used to talk. I was very street.

Daniel Tosh
We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk? Why don't people talk about that?

Daniel Tosh
The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?

Daniel Tosh
I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.

Daniel Tosh
Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

Daniel Tosh
Oh, San Francisco! My 3rd favorite place to do comedy in. That's not bad, right? Top ten. More butt-fucking per square foot than any other place in the world, that's you guys. [Audience cheers] Put that on your postcards. "San Fransisco: More butt-fucking per square foot. Miss you."

Daniel Tosh
Don't get lost on a hike there. You'll end up on YouTube without a head, and there's no web redemption for that.

Daniel Tosh
I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts. [Mimes throwing change] "Ow! Were those nickels?" Yeah, it's a down economy, I'm a baller on a budget, bitch!

Daniel Tosh
Thank you … San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you … for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

Daniel Tosh
I once had on a Lance Armstrong bracelet and a What Would Jesus Do bracelet and I rubbed a blind kid's eyes and he could see. But he wasn't used to the light, it was bright, walked into traffic, was killed instantly. Okay, those of you that are laughing, I'm going to call you half-full, because you're remembering the most important part: The bracelets are working!

Daniel Tosh
I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having another man around the house...

Daniel Tosh
The first thing Michael Phelps should have done when that photo came out was call Kobe Bryant's publicist. Cuz Kobe was accused of rape, and all he had to do was settle in court for millions of dollars, change his jersey number and win a championship and that soulless town in LA couldn't be prouder. I just hope that when parents let their kids run around in #24 jerseys, they have the decency to say: 'well come on, number 8 was the rapist. Number 24 has a great work ethic and an unblockable turnaround.'

Daniel Tosh
You'll have to excuse me for my bad posture. My mom says it's 'cause I have a huge cock. Yeah, she talks like that. She's a sailor. We don't judge her. She lives by one rule, and it's the rule of the sea.

Daniel Tosh
Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker?" You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here[points to head], but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's. I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume your best work is in the A. M. Probably gets a bit abstract by noon.

Daniel Tosh
You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.

Daniel Tosh
Even when I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. I'd be like, "Hey, so I guess I'll see you later," and he's, like, "Whatever, queer". That's a hate crime!

Daniel Tosh