Daniel Tosh - Work Quotes

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Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

Daniel Tosh

Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker?" You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here[points to head], but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's. I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume your best work is in the A. M. Probably gets a bit abstract by noon.

Daniel Tosh

The first thing Michael Phelps should have done when that photo came out was call Kobe Bryant's publicist. Cuz Kobe was accused of rape, and all he had to do was settle in court for millions of dollars, change his jersey number and win a championship and that soulless town in LA couldn't be prouder. I just hope that when parents let their kids run around in #24 jerseys, they have the decency to say: 'well come on, number 8 was the rapist. Number 24 has a great work ethic and an unblockable turnaround.'

Daniel Tosh

You ever hear this expression? The worst day of fishing is better than the best day at work. Uh, I'll call B. S. I've watched the Deadliest Catch on Discovery. I've never once been at work, capsized in a 40 degree water, watched all my co-workers die, and be like, "Hey, at least we're fucking fishin'."

Daniel Tosh