W. C. Fields Quotes

35 Sourced Quotes

Hell, I never vote for anybody. I always vote against.

W. C. Fields
So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.

W. C. Fields
If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for.

W. C. Fields
Don't say you can't give up drinking. It's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

W. C. Fields
I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.

W. C. Fields
Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.

W. C. Fields
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

W. C. Fields
Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

W. C. Fields
The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.

W. C. Fields
I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what I dealt him!

W. C. Fields
And remember, dearie, never give a sucker an even break.

W. C. Fields
We frequently hear of people dying from too much drinking. That this happens is a matter of record. But the blame is always placed on whisky. Why this should be I never could understand. You can die from drinking too much of anything - coffee, water, milk, soft drinks and all such stuff as that. And so as long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing. I will make mine whisky.

W. C. Fields
If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

W. C. Fields
The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog.

W. C. Fields
Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents)

W. C. Fields
What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?

W. C. Fields
I write my scripts short and they develop on the set, which I have found a far better premise both economically and practically.

W. C. Fields
The work I'm doing on the screen differs from that of anyone else. My comedy is of a peculiar nature...no writers have been developed along the lines of my type of comedy and this is why I sometimes have differences with writers, supervisors and directors alike.

W. C. Fields
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

W. C. Fields
Women are like elephants to me; I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.

W. C. Fields
On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.

W. C. Fields
A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him; and it usually does.

W. C. Fields
Some contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch...

W. C. Fields
Horse sense is a good judgement which keeps horses from betting on people.

W. C. Fields
Gambler: Say, is this a game of chance?
Cuthbert J. Twillie: Not the way I play it.

W. C. Fields
Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

W. C. Fields
You can fool some of the people some of the time — and that's enough to make a decent living.

W. C. Fields
Whilst traveling through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. Had to live on food and water for several days.

W. C. Fields
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake—which I also keep handy.

W. C. Fields
I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

W. C. Fields