Terry Pratchett Quotes

756 Sourced Quotes

Verence would rather cut his own leg off than put a witch in prison, since it'd save trouble in the long run and probably be less painful.

Terry Pratchett
The most prudent thing any intelligent animal can do, if it would prefer its descendents not to spend a lot of time on a slab with electrodes clamped to their brains or sticking mines on the bottom of ships, or being patronised by zoologists, is to make bloody certain humans don't find out about it.

Terry Pratchett
There are millions of chords. There are millions of numbers. And everyone forgets the one that is a zero. But without the zero, numbers are just arithmetic. Without the empty chord, music is just noise.

Terry Pratchett
A witch who is bored might do ANYTHING. People said things like 'we had to make our own amusements in those days' as if this signified some kind of moral worth, and perhaps it did, but the last thing you wanted a witch to do was get bored and start making her own amusements, because witches sometimes had famously erratic ideas about what was amusing.

Terry Pratchett
There are hardly any excesses of the most crazed psychopath that cannot easily be duplicated by a normal kindly family man who just comes in to work every day and has a job to do.

Terry Pratchett
Funny, reely," he said. "You spend your whole life goin' to school and learnin' stuff, and they never tell you about stuff like the Bermuda Triangle and UFOs and all these Old Masters running around the inside of the Earth. Why do we have to learn boring stuff when there's all this brilliant stuff we could be learnin', that's what I want to know.

Terry Pratchett
They were also slightly less intelligent than he was. This is a quality you should always pray for in your would-be murderer.

Terry Pratchett
But the purpose of the book is not the horror, it is horror's defeat.

Terry Pratchett
Of course, like all the informal inhabitants of the University the roaches were a little unusual, but there was something particularly unpleasant about the sound of billions of very small feet hitting the stones in perfect time. Rincewind stepped gingerly over the marching column. The Librarian jumped it. The Luggage, of course, followed them with a noise like someone tapdancing over a bag of crisps.

Terry Pratchett
When people say "clearly" something that means there's a huge crack in their argument and they know things aren't clear at all.

Terry Pratchett
Creators aren't gods. They make places, which is quite hard. It's men that make gods. This explains a lot.

Terry Pratchett
The Monks of Cool, whose tiny and exclusive monastery is hidden in a really cool and laid-back valley in the lower Ramtops, have a passing-out test for a novice. He is taken into a room full of all types of clothing and asked: Yo, my son, which of these is the most stylish thing to wear? And the correct answer is: Hey, whatever I select.

Terry Pratchett
People's whole lives do pass in front of their eye before dying. The process is called "Living

Terry Pratchett
The sun is simple. A sword is simple. A storm is simple. Behind everything simple is a huge tail of complicated.

Terry Pratchett
You were so worried about legal and illegal that you never stopped to think about whether it was right or wrong.

Terry Pratchett
I am certain no one sets out to be cruel, but our treatment of the elderly ill seems to have no philosophy to it. As a society, we should establish whether we have a policy of life at any cost.

Terry Pratchett
The wages of sin is death but so is the salary of virtue, and at least the evil get to go home early on Fridays.

Terry Pratchett
It had a very long pendulum, and the pendulum swung with a slow tick-tock that set his teeth on edge, because it was the the kind of delibrate, annoying ticking that wanted to make it abundantly clear that every tick and every tock was stripping another second off your life.

Terry Pratchett
There are thousands of good reasons why magic doesn't rule the world. They're called Witches and Wizards.

Terry Pratchett
What kind of man would put a known criminal in charge of a major branch of government? Apart from, say, the average voter.

Terry Pratchett
In the words of the philosopher Sceptum, the founder of my profession: am I going to get paid for this?

Terry Pratchett
One day I'll work out what it is you are saying, my lad, and then you'll be in trouble.

Terry Pratchett
I don't see why it matters what is written. Not when it's about people. It can always be crossed out.

Terry Pratchett
I don't want unnecessary violence, sergeant," said Blouse. "Right you are, sir!" said the sergeant. "Carborundum! First man comes through that door runnin', I want him nailed to the wall!" He caught the lieutenant's eye, and added: "But not too hard!

Terry Pratchett
It was then that Marvin got religion. Not the quiet, personal kind, that involves doing good deeds and living a better life; not even the kind that involves putting on a suit and ringing' people's doorbells; but the kind that involves having your own TV network and getting people to send you money.

Terry Pratchett
No, what he didn't like about heroes was that they were usually suicidally gloomy when sober and homicidally insane when drunk.

Terry Pratchett
Aziraphale collected books. If he were totally honest with himself he would have to have admitted that his bookshop was simply somewhere to store them. He was not unusual in this. In order to maintain his cover as a typical second-hand book seller, he used every means short of actual physical violence to prevent customers from making a purchase. Unpleasant damp smells, glowering looks, erratic opening hours - he was incredibly good at it.

Terry Pratchett
Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry.

Terry Pratchett
What was supposed to be so special about a full moon? It was only a big circle of light. And the dark of the moon was only darkness. But halfway between the two, when the moon was between the worlds of light and dark, when even the moon lived on the edge...maybe then a witch could believe in the moon.

Terry Pratchett
God does not play games with His loyal servants", said the Metatron, but in a worried tone of voice. "Whoopee", said Crowley.

Terry Pratchett