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I should have known earlier about President Bush, but I gave him some rope - a lot of rope. And then he hung all of us with it.
Lewis Black
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We exhaust ourselves worrying about our health. We're obsessed with it. We worry about our health and when we worry about our health, guess what? We're not fucking healthy! We're so worried about our health that we are now the fattest group of fucks on the planet Earth! "Should I eat this or should I eat this? Well, I'll have to eat both!"
Lewis Black
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Wise men say that time is like a river. I say time is like a river of SHIT... and as you float down that river in your little canoe, your paddles are getting smaller and smaller.
Lewis Black
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I don't know if you noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking in the mirror at itself.
Lewis Black
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The best time to go to Las Vegas is during Christmastime, because there's no drug you can take that will recreate the experience of watching people gamble while they play Christmas carols. I'm Jewish, and I'm astonished. People going, "GODDAMMIT!" "JESUS CHRIST!" "HOLY FUCK!" "... pa-rum-pum-pum-pum, me and my drum."
Lewis Black
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Michael Jackson? That's all I gotta say.... He's become a punchline. He has! Michael Jackson is a punchline. To any joke you want. If you ever forget the punchline to a joke, all you gotta say is 'Michael Jackson.' "Two Jews walk into a bar... Michael Jackson!" "Why did the chicken cross the road? Michael Jackson!" "So the farmer brings his daughter to the dinner table—Michael Jackson!" It works for fucking anything!
Lewis Black
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I'll tell ya, in New York City, where I've lived far too long, 'fuck' isn't even a word, it's a comma.
Lewis Black
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But what about the children, Lewis? I can hear some of you asking. What about the children? It's more disturbing for the child to hear adults talking about having seen a tit as being disturbing and indecent and shocking than it is for children to see one. You know? There is no child who, when a breast is exposed to them accidentally, has suffered a moral epileptic seizure.
Lewis Black
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If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.
Lewis Black
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When they [N'Sync and Aerosmith] played, it wasn't music. It was the sound of chaos. I knew it was the sound of chaos because you could hear pigs being slaughtered. Women were weeping and men were gnashing their teeth, and there were sounds so horrible that I cannot repeat them to you, or you would flee from this room in horror!
Lewis Black
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I called the police. I said, "They've stolen my rental car, a Plymouth Horizon." The policeman said, "I guess they took it for a joyride." I said, "You know, I don't think you're listening, asshole. The car is a Plymouth Horizon. It is not a joy to ride!" This is a car that goes forty-five miles an hour with the wind; if you actually turn off the air conditioner you can supercharge the little fucker to forty-eight. I got a nosebleed I was having so much fun in the car. I didn't even want the piece of shit, so I was staggered to find out somebody took it.
Lewis Black
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Everyone of you has a health that is unique and totally different from everybody else. Completely! Because we... are all like snowflakes.
Lewis Black
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This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who you are.... and when I find you I am going to kill you.
Lewis Black
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There are people who believe that dinosaurs and men lived together, that they roamed the Earth at the same time. There are museums that children go to, in which they build dioramas to show them this. And what this is, purely and simply, is a clinical psychotic reaction. They are crazy. They are stone. Cold. Fuck. Nuts. I can't be kind about this, because these people are watching The Flinstones as if it were a documentary.
Lewis Black
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Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.
Lewis Black
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In four days, I experienced five seasons. It was thirty, it was sixty, it was ninety, then it was TWELVE! And on the last day, there was thunder, lightning, and snow—together! And I hadn't done drugs.
Lewis Black
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Some of these people have come up with some very elaborate arguments [for not paying taxes]. For instance, there were these guys, in Indiana and Nebraska, and they argued that Indiana and Nebraska weren't states, which was a pretty valid argument in the late 1700s. But in 1995 and '96, well, I saw a map and at that time, trust me, Indiana and Nebraska are shitholes, but they're states. I saw them! They were right there in the middle someplace. I may not be able to point them out immediately, but I know they're there.
Lewis Black
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FEMA? I always thought it was a bone here in your ass.
Lewis Black
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You don't want another Enron? Here's the law: If you have a company, and it can't explain, in one sentence... what it does... it's illegal!
Lewis Black
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[on WMDs in Iraq] If they couldn't find the weapons, which were the reason we went to war, then why didn't they make something up? Why did they stop lying?! My government has always lied to me; I'm comfortable with that! Son of a bitch! What's so tough?! They could have done it simply! Just send two kids to Kinko's - "I need a picture of a camel WITH A NUCLEAR WEAPON ON ITS BACK!"
Lewis Black
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There's a daytime NyQuil, and there's a nighttime NyQuil. Drink either one you want, because your cold doesn't give a shit what time it is. NyQuil comes in two colors: red and green. It's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green. And red and green are what? Christmas colors! That's right, NyQuil makes a dandy egg nog! Oh yeah, my friends bitched through the entire party, "This tastes like shit!" But at the end of it, we had a fun sleepover.
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There are no fights in Ireland, people just get so drunk they go, "GODDAMN, YA SONOFABITCH!" and pass out. And there's no Alcoholics Anonymous there, because if there's a meeting, it's always at the bar,
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Here's why I think there's something a little odd with George [Bush]. Because a lot of the times when he speaks, his words don't match his face. Something is askew. You can't talk about the war with a smile on your face. He does it constantly. IF you're the President, you should go "We're going to talk about the war, I must have a frowny face." The only time you can smile when you're talking about the war in Iraq is when you go, "Well, two Iraqis walk into a bar, hahaha."
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I'd rather go ice fishing, which is the dumbest thing a man can do. You're sitting essentially in an out house and it's 30 below. You've cut a hole in the ice, and you're fishing for fish that you shouldn't eat, 'cause any fish that is down there is fucking stupid.
Lewis Black
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It [The Weather Channel] is the most watched cable channel in America. I'll repeat that. It is the most watched cable channel in America. They were worried about the terrorists immobilizing us, and a portion of our countrymen watch weather. 'Kay, you don't get any more immobile than that... unless you're in a goddamn coma. That means you're saying, "I'd go to the window, but it's too far." If you want to know what the weather is you go to a window and stick your hand out and if you want to know what the temperature is you drive by a bank.
Lewis Black
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Quote of the day
No longer shall I paint interiors with men reading and women knitting. I will paint living people who breathe and feel and suffer and love.
Edvard Munch
Lewis Black
Creative Commons
Born:
August 30, 1948
(age 75)
Bio:
Lewis Niles Black is an American comedian, author, playwright, social critic and actor. He is known for his angry face and his belligerent comedic style, in which he often simulates having a mental breakdown.
Known for:
Inside Out (2015)
The Daily Show (Since 1996)
Unaccompanied Minors (2006)
Man of the Year (2006)
Lewis Black's Root of All Evil (2008)
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