Lewis Black - Thought Quotes

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FEMA? I always thought it was a bone here in your ass.

Lewis Black
You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought!

Lewis Black
It was the coldest winter ever! I thought last winter was the coldest winter ever, but I was fucking wrong, wasn't I? You see, because I travel all the time. So last winter, I'd be in the midwest, and the blizzard would hit. And then I'd fly home, AND THE BLIZZARD WOULD HIT AGAIN!

Lewis Black
And even if they hadn't told me, I would have known it was the coldest winter ever. Because I have not had one thought! I have not been able to complete a sentence in my own head! I find myself walking around going "You know what, I should really... FUCK, IT'S COLD!"

Lewis Black
"Equestrian," by the by - that's the gayest word in the English language. As a matter of fact, I thought Brokeback Mountain should have been called "Two Equestrians." There's nothing worse than going to some event that you have no interest in. I didn't give a shit, but you gotta pretend! I mean, what do you say at a horse show? "Look at the cock on that one! I'd say he's a winner, if he doesn't trip over it!"

Lewis Black
[on the creation myth] This is a wonderful story that was told to the people in the desert, in order to distract them from the fact that they did not have air conditioning. I would love to have the faith to believe that it took place in seven days, but... I have thoughts. And that can really fuck up the faith thing. Just ask any Catholic priest.

Lewis Black
We always feel better in anticipation. You don't think about something and think "Aw, it's gonna be shitty." NO! You say "This is gonna be the greatest weekend ever! Sonuvabitch!" And then, by Monday, you're throwing up and you're thinking "You know, I always thought those guys were pricks!"

Lewis Black
I was on CNN in Atlanta at one o'clock in the afternoon because apparently everybody else was asleep, and they asked me what I thought of CNN and I said, "I liked CNN until you started that writing on the bottom." I don't know why it's there. Why do you put writing on a television set? We watch TV... BECAUSE WE DON'T WANNA READ! We want somebody to read the shit to us so we can close our eyes and touch our nuts!

Lewis Black