Lewis Black Quotes

87 Sourced Quotes

[On Las Vegas audiences] Those audiences are wonderful. Talk about the most bitter group of people on the planet Earth! For one brief shining moment, I am Mr. Happy!

Lewis Black
Or you'll get on your cell phone, which is really smart. "Oh I'm gonna be late!" That's fuckin smart: to drive with one of those fuckin things in your hand. It's bad enough that people are in supermarkets — "Honey, I love you." FUCK YOU, okay? Shut-up! I'm trying to buy a tomato, okay, got it? I'm even carrying mine, this piece of shit. This is Sprint. [someone cheers] Oh.. FUCK SPRINT. okay? You work for those idiots, I need to talk to you. "Every call is crystal clear." Yeah, right: to yourself! You can hear you!

Lewis Black
The amazing thing is there are people who've never left this country who talk about the fact that we're the greatest country on Earth. How fucking dumb is that?! Cuz you don't know, if you haven't left here you don't know. There are countries that may be giving shit away every day! Canada's one of those countries. You know what they give away? HEALTH INSURANCE!

Lewis Black
They've gotta stop reporting wind chill. That's nonsense. It really is. I don't know where they came up with it, why they came up with it, but it's a lie. They come on, "Well, it's 27 degrees today, but with the wind chill, it's minus 3." … Well, then it's minus 3, asshole! I don't need to know what the weather was like if the conditions were perfect!

Lewis Black
[about solar energy] If you ask your congressman why, he'll say "Because it's hard. It's really hard. Makes me want to go poopie." You know why we don't have solar energy? It's because the sun goes away each day, and it doesn't tell us where it's going!

Lewis Black
People go to Vegas, and they don't know what to do; here's what you do. You go to the casino in your hotel. On your arrival, you get $100 in quarters. Take that $100 back to your hotel room and stare at it for a long, long time. Why? Because you're never going to see them again. Then you take those quarters to the bathroom and you flush them, one by one by one. And the nice thing about that is that every so often the toilet will back up, and you'll feel like a WINNER!

Lewis Black
I lost my virginity to a [record] skip. "Lay Lady Lay—Lay Lady Lay—Lay Lady Lay". We didn't even get to the big brass bed part.

Lewis Black
I don't know if you realize, but I use the word "Fuck," so that I can think of other stuff.

Lewis Black
If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.

Lewis Black
I didn't spend my time living through the era of Vietnam to come around to this time and not having learned that the goddamn situation boils down to this: If you're against the war it doesn't mean that you're f-for the other side! If people show up with signs that go, "GO IRAQ, YOU FUCKERS GO!" then you go, "Holy Shit," then you beat the fuck out of them.

Lewis Black
I believe that the way in which we should truly live is we should think about what we're going to do, and then not do it. Your boss comes in on Monday and goes, "Hey! You're my go-to guy — I need a report by Friday." You go, "I'll get right on it, chief!" And then you head back to your desk and you put your feet up and you spend the week thinking about it. And then he comes in on Friday and goes, "Where's my report?" And you say, with a big grin on your face, "I didn't do it!" And he goes, "Why not?" and then you say, "Because I didn't want to disappoint you!"

Lewis Black
North Korea is the country that the monkeys in The Wizard of Oz came from.

Lewis Black
Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"

Lewis Black
IPod [sic] now has music on a fucking credit card. Eventually they'll have it so that you wear underwear and you just hear it in your head.

Lewis Black
Why would I be excited that a Democrat won? Seriously, over the past eight years the Democrats didn't do SHIT! Basically, the last eight years, I feel, the Republicans stood around farting; and the Democrats went "Ooh, let me smell it."

Lewis Black
Music is like a drug; when you hear it, you have a vision. And that vision can change over time or remain the same. You know, that first time you're in love and you hear a love song and every time you think about it you have that vision of your special someone. And then two years later, after you broke up, you're at the bar. And you hear that song and you go, "Son of a bitch... I'll have a Jaeger."

Lewis Black
The reason you should go to Las Vegas is because, for only the second time, the second time, ever, they have rebuilt Sodom and Gomorrah. It's back!! And you have the opportunity to see it before it turns to salt. And you wanna get out there before the Christian Right finds out what we're up to and shits all over it.

Lewis Black
The toughest thing about performing here is, where do you go from here? Next week, I'm at the Fort Lauderdale Performing Arts Center.

Lewis Black
There are things about the Jewish religion that I carry with me to this day. Chief among them is Yom Kippur, or the Day of Atonement, as it's so happily called. It had a profound effect on my innocent young mind. The service opens with the organ playing "Kol Nidre," one of the spookiest pieces of music ever written. You hear it and literally are surprised bats and shit aren't flying around.

Lewis Black
If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.

Lewis Black
I should have known earlier about President Bush, but I gave him some rope - a lot of rope. And then he hung all of us with it.

Lewis Black
We exhaust ourselves worrying about our health. We're obsessed with it. We worry about our health and when we worry about our health, guess what? We're not fucking healthy! We're so worried about our health that we are now the fattest group of fucks on the planet Earth! "Should I eat this or should I eat this? Well, I'll have to eat both!"

Lewis Black
Wise men say that time is like a river. I say time is like a river of SHIT... and as you float down that river in your little canoe, your paddles are getting smaller and smaller.

Lewis Black
I don't know if you noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking in the mirror at itself.

Lewis Black
The best time to go to Las Vegas is during Christmastime, because there's no drug you can take that will recreate the experience of watching people gamble while they play Christmas carols. I'm Jewish, and I'm astonished. People going, "GODDAMMIT!" "JESUS CHRIST!" "HOLY FUCK!" "... pa-rum-pum-pum-pum, me and my drum."

Lewis Black
Michael Jackson? That's all I gotta say.... He's become a punchline. He has! Michael Jackson is a punchline. To any joke you want. If you ever forget the punchline to a joke, all you gotta say is 'Michael Jackson.' "Two Jews walk into a bar... Michael Jackson!" "Why did the chicken cross the road? Michael Jackson!" "So the farmer brings his daughter to the dinner table—Michael Jackson!" It works for fucking anything!

Lewis Black
I'll tell ya, in New York City, where I've lived far too long, 'fuck' isn't even a word, it's a comma.

Lewis Black
But what about the children, Lewis? I can hear some of you asking. What about the children? It's more disturbing for the child to hear adults talking about having seen a tit as being disturbing and indecent and shocking than it is for children to see one. You know? There is no child who, when a breast is exposed to them accidentally, has suffered a moral epileptic seizure.

Lewis Black
If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.

Lewis Black
When they [N'Sync and Aerosmith] played, it wasn't music. It was the sound of chaos. I knew it was the sound of chaos because you could hear pigs being slaughtered. Women were weeping and men were gnashing their teeth, and there were sounds so horrible that I cannot repeat them to you, or you would flee from this room in horror!

Lewis Black