Lewis Black Short Quotes

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FEMA? I always thought it was a bone here in your ass.

Lewis Black
If anyone is as angry as I am, it's the good people of Detroit.

Lewis Black
If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.

Lewis Black
North Korea is the country that the monkeys in The Wizard of Oz came from.

Lewis Black
I don't know if you realize, but I use the word "Fuck," so that I can think of other stuff.

Lewis Black
If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.

Lewis Black
I feel the need to scream, and even if the scream is not answered, I find my sanity in the echo.

Lewis Black
That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.

Lewis Black
Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.

Lewis Black
I'll tell ya, in New York City, where I've lived far too long, 'fuck' isn't even a word, it's a comma.

Lewis Black
Going quail hunting is like saying "I'm going fishing," and going to a goldfish bowl and going "Got it!"

Lewis Black
I don't know if you noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking in the mirror at itself.

Lewis Black
If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.

Lewis Black
The one thing I think we learned this year is that the Democrats and the Republicans are completely worthless.

Lewis Black
You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought!

Lewis Black
I should have known earlier about President Bush, but I gave him some rope - a lot of rope. And then he hung all of us with it.

Lewis Black
Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of your state. How am I, as a comedian, supposed to create a reality that encompasses that?

Lewis Black
I lost my virginity to a [record] skip. "Lay Lady Lay—Lay Lady Lay—Lay Lady Lay". We didn't even get to the big brass bed part.

Lewis Black
The toughest thing about performing here is, where do you go from here? Next week, I'm at the Fort Lauderdale Performing Arts Center.

Lewis Black
Everyone of you has a health that is unique and totally different from everybody else. Completely! Because we... are all like snowflakes.

Lewis Black
You don't want another Enron? Here's the law: If you have a company, and it can't explain, in one sentence... what it does... it's illegal!

Lewis Black
IPod [sic] now has music on a fucking credit card. Eventually they'll have it so that you wear underwear and you just hear it in your head.

Lewis Black
If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.

Lewis Black
This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who you are.... and when I find you I am going to kill you.

Lewis Black
[On Las Vegas audiences] Those audiences are wonderful. Talk about the most bitter group of people on the planet Earth! For one brief shining moment, I am Mr. Happy!

Lewis Black
I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that shitty make a pie so sweet? There's not enough sugar in the universe.

Lewis Black
Wise men say that time is like a river. I say time is like a river of SHIT... and as you float down that river in your little canoe, your paddles are getting smaller and smaller.

Lewis Black
Christians... get Christmas under control. Seriously. It won't stop! It doesn't stop, does it? It's always Christmas now! Make it the whole year! It's the only time you pricks are happy!

Lewis Black
Apparently there is no profit in the unique, or not enough to make it worthwhile to preserve. Ultimately it drains the life out of us, and existentialism starts to make more and more sense.

Lewis Black
Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.

Lewis Black