Joseph Heller Quotes

141 Sourced Quotes

The enemy is anybody who's going to get you killed, no matter which side he's on.

Joseph Heller
Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. With Major Major it had been all three. Based on quote from Shakespeare, Twelfth Night Act II, scene v: Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon 'em.

Joseph Heller
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt, and his only mission each time he went up was to come down alive.

Joseph Heller
In my middle years, I have exchanged the position of the fetus for the position of a corpse.

Joseph Heller
No one who ever wants praise will be satisfied with praise, the person who wants love cannot be satisfied with love. No want is ever fulfilled. And therefore I still don't know whether it is better to fear God and keep His commandments or to curse God and die.

Joseph Heller
He knew everything about literature except how to enjoy it.

Joseph Heller
Fortunately, just when things were blackest, the war broke out.

Joseph Heller
When you consider the opportunity and power He had to really do a job, and then look at the stupid, ugly little mess He made of it instead, His sheer incompetence is almost staggering.

Joseph Heller
It was love at first sight. The first time Yossarian saw the chaplain he fell madly in love with him.

Joseph Heller
Gold was not altogether certain what, anatomically, a gorge was, but he knew that his was rising.

Joseph Heller
The enemy," retorted Yossarian with weighted precision, "is anybody who's going to get you killed, no matter which side he's on, and that includes Colonel Cathcart. And don't you forget that, because the longer you remember it, the longer you might live.

Joseph Heller
There was no telling what people might find out once they felt free to ask whatever questions they wanted to.

Joseph Heller
Kissinger brought peace to Vietnam the same way Napoleon brought peace to Europe: by losing.

Joseph Heller
Sure, that's what I mean,' Doc Daneeka said. 'A little grease is what makes this world go round. One hand washes the other. Know what I mean? You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.' Yossarian knew what he meant. That's not what I meant,' Doc Daneeka said, as Yossarian began scratching his back.

Joseph Heller
A sober God-fearing man whose idea of a good joke was to lie about his age.

Joseph Heller
This time Milo had gone too far. Bombing his own men and planes was more than even the most phlegmatic observer could stomach, and it looked like the end for him... Milo was all washed up until he opened his books to the public and disclosed the tremendous profit he had made.

Joseph Heller
Death to all modifiers, he declared one day, and out of every letter that passed through his hands went every adverb and every adjective.

Joseph Heller
The problem with the loneliness I suffer is that the company of others has never been a cure for it.

Joseph Heller
I hate God and I hate life. And the closer I come to death, the more I hate life.

Joseph Heller
"Let someone else get killed!"
"Suppose everyone on our side felt that way?"
"Well then I'd certainly be a damned fool to feel any other way, wouldn't I?"

Joseph Heller
Now THERE'S a hollow state to be in, isn't it — to believe in God and get no sign that He's there.

Joseph Heller
There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's own safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind…Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to.

Joseph Heller
The God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's not the mean and stupid God you make him out to be.

Joseph Heller
Gold was opposed to segregation and equally opposed to integration. Certainly he did not believe that women or homosexuals should suffer persecution or discrimination. On the other hand, he was privately opposed to all equal rights amendments, for he certainly did not want members of either group associating with him on levels of equality or familiarity.

Joseph Heller
They couldn't keep Death out, but while she was in she had to act like a lady.

Joseph Heller
But I make a profit of three and a quarter cents an egg by selling them for four and a quarter cents an egg to the people in Malta I buy them from for seven cents an egg. Of course, I don't make the profit. The syndicate makes the profit. And everybody has a share.

Joseph Heller
Even among men lacking all distinction he inevitably stood out as a man lacking more distinction than all the rest, and people who met him were always impressed by how unimpressive he was.

Joseph Heller
All through the night, men looked at the sky and were saddened by the stars.

Joseph Heller
Oh, I'm not complaining. I know there's a war on. I know a lot of people are going to have to suffer for us to win it. But why must I be one of them?

Joseph Heller
Didn't I once observe that there is nothing new under the sun?

Joseph Heller