Joseph Heller Quotes

141 Sourced Quotes

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt, and his only mission each time he went up was to come down alive.

Joseph Heller
The enemy is anybody who's going to get you killed, no matter which side he's on.

Joseph Heller
Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. With Major Major it had been all three. Based on quote from Shakespeare, Twelfth Night Act II, scene v: Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon 'em.

Joseph Heller
There is wisdom in madness and strong probability of truth in all accusations, for people are complete and everybody is capable of everything

Joseph Heller
I don't think the 'what' distinguishes a good novel from a bad one but rather the 'how.'

Joseph Heller
He [God] owes me an apology too- at the very least. I'm not saying I shouldn't have been punished for those sins I committed. I'm saying that the punishments he chose were inhuman. I wonder what favor I'd want. I think I may be afraid to ask for it. I'm afraid He won't grant it. I'm more afraid that He will. Wouldn't it be tragic to find out that He really has been here all this time?

Joseph Heller
Under Colonel Korn's rule, the only people permitted to ask questions were those who never did.

Joseph Heller
Open your eyes, Clevinger. It doesn't make a damned bit of difference who wins the war to someone who's dead.

Joseph Heller
I hate God and I hate life. And the closer I come to death, the more I hate life.

Joseph Heller
Hasn't it ever occurred to you that in your promiscuous pursuit of women you are merely trying to assuage your subconscious fears of sexual impotence?" "Yes, sir, it has." "Then why do you do it?" "To assuage my fears of sexual impotence.

Joseph Heller
History was a trash bag of random coincidences torn open in a wind. Surely, Watt with his steam engine, Faraday with his electric motor, and Edison with his incandescent light bulb did not have it as their goal to contribute to a fuel shortage some day that would place their countries at the mercy of Arab oil.

Joseph Heller
No one lusting for blood is ever innocent. Or satisfied. I have not been innocent. Or satisfied. Just as the man who wants silver will not be satisfied with silver, a man who wants the blood of another will not be satisfied with having that blood, nor the woman with jewels be satisfied with jewels, and the man who wants women will not be satisfied with women. Don't try telling me different. Haven't I looked about me in the city and seen how all labor is for the mouth, yet the appetite is not filled? Don't I know myself that no want is ever satisfied? Wishes are granted, goals attained. But wants? Forget them. They live as long as the person they inhabit.

Joseph Heller
Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery or simple bad luck.

Joseph Heller
Clevinger was dead. That was the basic flaw in his philosophy.

Joseph Heller
All is vanity, you know, ALL in the long run is but vanity and vexation of spirit.

Joseph Heller
I'm not running away from my responsibilities. I'm running to them. There's nothing negative about running away to save my life.

Joseph Heller
"Is he in heaven? Is he in hell?"
"There is no heaven. There is no hell."
"There is no heaven? There is no hell?"
"That's all in your mind."

Joseph Heller
Now you've given them hope, and they're unhappy. So the blame is all yours.

Joseph Heller
Someone had to do something sometime. Every victim was a culprit, every culprit a victim, and somebody had to stand up sometime to try to break the lousy chain of inherited habit that was imperiling them all.

Joseph Heller
Outside the hospital the war was still going on. Men went mad and were rewarded with medals.

Joseph Heller
Women my wife's age with broken marriages take up robustly with fellows much younger than themselves, sometimes boys, and their husbands don't like that part of it at all. (It's a means they have of really sticking it to us. The husbands can do without the money and kids. But they can't abide their wives' humping a younger dick and letting everyone know.)

Joseph Heller
How do you expect anyone to believe you have a liver condition if you keep squeezing the nurses' tits every time you get a chance? You're going to have to give up sex if you want to convince people you've got an ailing liver.

Joseph Heller
The captain was a good chess player, and the games were always interesting. Yossarian had stopped playing chess with him because the games were so interesting they were foolish.

Joseph Heller
Fortunately, just when things were blackest, the war broke out.

Joseph Heller
Something did happen to me somewhere that robbed me of confidence and courage and left me with a fear of discovery and change and a positive dread of everything unknown that may occur.

Joseph Heller