Joseph Heller - Catch-22 (1961)

78 Sourced Quotes

View all Joseph Heller Quotes
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt, and his only mission each time he went up was to come down alive.

Joseph Heller
Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. With Major Major it had been all three. Based on quote from Shakespeare, Twelfth Night Act II, scene v: Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon 'em.

Joseph Heller
The enemy is anybody who's going to get you killed, no matter which side he's on.

Joseph Heller
This time Milo had gone too far. Bombing his own men and planes was more than even the most phlegmatic observer could stomach, and it looked like the end for him... Milo was all washed up until he opened his books to the public and disclosed the tremendous profit he had made.

Joseph Heller
Why are they going to disappear him?' I don't know.' It doesn't make sense. It isn't even good grammar.

Joseph Heller
Nurse Duckett found Yossarian wonderful and was already trying to change him.

Joseph Heller
How do you expect anyone to believe you have a liver condition if you keep squeezing the nurses' tits every time you get a chance? You're going to have to give up sex if you want to convince people you've got an ailing liver.

Joseph Heller
He was pinched perspiringly in the epistemological dilemma of the skeptic, unable to accept solutions to problems he was unable to dismiss as unsolvable. He was never without misery and never without hope.

Joseph Heller
Now you've given them hope, and they're unhappy. So the blame is all yours.

Joseph Heller
I'm not running away from my responsibilities. I'm running to them. There's nothing negative about running away to save my life.

Joseph Heller
What do you do when it rains?" The captain answered frankly. "I get wet.

Joseph Heller
Under Colonel Korn's rule, the only people permitted to ask questions were those who never did.

Joseph Heller
She was a crazy mathematics major from the Wharton School of Business who could not count to twenty-eight each month without getting into trouble.

Joseph Heller
The enemy," retorted Yossarian with weighted precision, "is anybody who's going to get you killed, no matter which side he's on, and that includes Colonel Cathcart. And don't you forget that, because the longer you remember it, the longer you might live.

Joseph Heller
There was no telling what people might find out once they felt free to ask whatever questions they wanted to.

Joseph Heller
Sure, that's what I mean,' Doc Daneeka said. 'A little grease is what makes this world go round. One hand washes the other. Know what I mean? You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.' Yossarian knew what he meant. That's not what I meant,' Doc Daneeka said, as Yossarian began scratching his back.

Joseph Heller
A sober God-fearing man whose idea of a good joke was to lie about his age.

Joseph Heller
It was love at first sight. The first time Yossarian saw the chaplain he fell madly in love with him.

Joseph Heller
Death to all modifiers, he declared one day, and out of every letter that passed through his hands went every adverb and every adjective.

Joseph Heller
From now on I'm thinking only of me. Major Danby replied indulgently with a superior smile: But, Yossarian, suppose everyone felt that way?
Then, said Yossarian, I'd certainly be a damned fool to feel any other way, wouldn't I?

Joseph Heller
Oh, I'm not complaining. I know there's a war on. I know a lot of people are going to have to suffer for us to win it. But why must I be one of them?

Joseph Heller
The Pacific Ocean was a body of water surrounded on all sides by elephantiasis and other dread diseases.

Joseph Heller
Hasn't it ever occurred to you that in your promiscuous pursuit of women you are merely trying to assuage your subconscious fears of sexual impotence?" "Yes, sir, it has." "Then why do you do it?" "To assuage my fears of sexual impotence.

Joseph Heller
"Let someone else get killed!"
"Suppose everyone on our side felt that way?"
"Well then I'd certainly be a damned fool to feel any other way, wouldn't I?"

Joseph Heller
All through the night, men looked at the sky and were saddened by the stars.

Joseph Heller
Even among men lacking all distinction he inevitably stood out as a man lacking more distinction than all the rest, and people who met him were always impressed by how unimpressive he was.

Joseph Heller
But I make a profit of three and a quarter cents an egg by selling them for four and a quarter cents an egg to the people in Malta I buy them from for seven cents an egg. Of course, I don't make the profit. The syndicate makes the profit. And everybody has a share.

Joseph Heller
They couldn't keep Death out, but while she was in she had to act like a lady.

Joseph Heller
The God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's not the mean and stupid God you make him out to be.

Joseph Heller
There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's own safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind…Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to.

Joseph Heller