Christopher Moore Quotes

108 Sourced Quotes

Do we still have to floss?" Tommy asked. "I mean, what's the point of being immortal if we have to floss?

Christopher Moore
When the oil of the lamp is used up the wanker shall light his own way to salvation.

Christopher Moore
If you have come to these pages for laughter, may you find it.
If you are here to be offended, may your ire rise and your blood boil.
If you seek an adventure, may this song sing you away to blissful escape.
If you need to test or confirm your beliefs, may you reach comfortable conclusions.
All books reveal perfection, by what they are or what they are not.
May you find that which you seek, in these pages or outside them.
May you find perfection, and know it by name.

Christopher Moore
And an inky-colored despair of rejection enveloped me like the black tortilla of depression around a pain burrito.

Christopher Moore
Then someone started pounding on the door. And not a little "Hey, what's up?" pound. Like there was a big sale on door pounds down at the Pound Outlet. Buy one, get one free at Pounds-n-Stuff. —Being the Journal of Abby Normal

Christopher Moore
Inside, I was like: "Ha, suck my spiky rubber strap-on, vampyre hunter!

Christopher Moore
It's wildly irritating to have invented something as revolutionary as sarcasm, only to have it abused by amateurs.

Christopher Moore
He had risked his freedom and his pride to buy her this, to acknowledge that part of her that everyone else seemed to want to get rid of.

Christopher Moore
Words, words, words, a million million words circle in my head like hawks, waiting to dive onto the page to rend and tear the only two words I want to write. Why me?

Christopher Moore
This book you've read is just a story. I made it up. It is not designed to change anyone's beliefs or worldview, unless after reading it you've decided to be kinder to your fellow humans (which is okay), or you decide you really would like to teach yoga to an elephant, in which case, please get videotape.

Christopher Moore
You're trying to be tricky. What's morality?" "It's the difference between what's right and what you can rationalize." "Must be a human thing." "Exactly.

Christopher Moore
I was seven before I realized that you could eat breakfast with your pants on.

Christopher Moore
Devil's Food?" You can only eat so much white cake, my friend.

Christopher Moore
They were told what they wanted and they believed it. They can only keep their dream alive by being with others like themselves who will mirror their illusions.

Christopher Moore
They want to be tied up, I tie them up. They want to be spanked, I spank them. They want to be called names, I call them names. But try and drink a little of their blood, and they scream like babies. What about my needs?

Christopher Moore
Fornication with your daughters thats like a double dog sin.

Christopher Moore
You think you know how this story is going to end, but you don't. Trust me, I was there. I know.

Christopher Moore
There's a fine edge to new grief, it severs nerves, disconnects reality—there's mercy in a sharp blade. Only with time, as the edge wears, does the real ache begin.

Christopher Moore
You should feel what it is like to pleasure a falcon. You lock talons with her in the sky and do it while you both are falling like meteors. You would like it; they never complain if you come too fast.

Christopher Moore
We know there's going to be nothing but pain, but we go back again and again.

Christopher Moore
Love is not something you think about, it is a state in which you dwell

Christopher Moore
Charlie had Sophie strapped to his chest like a terrorist baby bomb when he came down the back steps. She had just gotten to the point where she could hold up her head, so he had strapped her in face-out so she could look around. The way her arms and legs waved around as Charlie walked, she looked as if she was skydiving and using a skinny nerd as a parachute.

Christopher Moore
Kayso, it turns out that driving an actual car is way harder than it is in 'Grand Theft Auto: Zombie Hooker Smackdown.

Christopher Moore
Regardless of its purpose, the humpback-whale song is the most complex piece of nonhuman composition on earth. Whether it's art, prayer, or booty call, the humpback song is an amazing thing to experience firsthand, and I suspect that even once the science of it is put to bed, it will remain, as long as they sing, magic.

Christopher Moore
Oh, we are but soft and squishy bags of mortality rolling in a bin of sharp circumstance, leaking life until we collapse, flaccid, into our own despair..

Christopher Moore
Even a mentally challenged shark would figure out that sea turtles did not wear boxer shorts printed in flying piggies, and no sea turtle would be yattering streams of obscenities between chain-smoker gasps of breath.

Christopher Moore
Actually, orcas aren't quite as complex as scientists imagine. Most killer whales are just four tons of doofus dressed up like a police car.

Christopher Moore
I think there was always some scrawny dreamer sitting at the edge of the firelight, who had the ability to imagine dangers, to look into the future in his imagination and see possibilities, and therefore survived to pass his genes on to the next generation.

Christopher Moore
Just because he was pretty didn't mean he couldn't be improved by a smack upside the head with a piece of earnest hickory

Christopher Moore
Wet towel under the door,' said Barry. 'It's what you do when you're smoking weed in a hotel and you don't want everyone calling security. You're always supposed to have a towel. I read about it in a guide for hitchhiking through the galaxy.

Christopher Moore