Christopher Moore Quotes

108 Sourced Quotes

Charlie had Sophie strapped to his chest like a terrorist baby bomb when he came down the back steps. She had just gotten to the point where she could hold up her head, so he had strapped her in face-out so she could look around. The way her arms and legs waved around as Charlie walked, she looked as if she was skydiving and using a skinny nerd as a parachute.

Christopher Moore
You seem upset, Charlie. Is something wrong? Charlie: No, no, I'm okay, I just had to take directions from a mute beaver in a fez to get here, it's unsettling.

Christopher Moore
The bat was looking at Theo and Theo was having trouble following his own thoughts.The bat was wearing tiny sunglasses.Ray Bans, Theo could see by the trademark in the corner of one lens."I'm sorry, Mr.,uh- Case, could you take the bat off your head.It's very distracting." Him." Pardon?" It's a him.Roberto.He no like the light.

Christopher Moore
I could stand on my head and flick the bean right there at the dinner table and my mom would be all, "Honey, Christmas is family time, we should be together" and make me finish in front of everyone.

Christopher Moore
Like looking down on a lubricious chess set, isn't it? The king moves in tiny steps, with no direction, like a drunkard trying to avoid the archer's bolt. The others work their strategies and wait for the old man to fall. He has no power, yet all power moves in his orbit and to his mad whim. Do you know there's no fool piece on the chessboard, Kent?" "Methinks the fool is the player, the mind above the moves.

Christopher Moore
All fear comes from trying to see the future, Biff. If you know what is coming, you aren't afraid.

Christopher Moore
Do we still have to floss?" Tommy asked. "I mean, what's the point of being immortal if we have to floss?

Christopher Moore
When the oil of the lamp is used up the wanker shall light his own way to salvation.

Christopher Moore
If you have come to these pages for laughter, may you find it.
If you are here to be offended, may your ire rise and your blood boil.
If you seek an adventure, may this song sing you away to blissful escape.
If you need to test or confirm your beliefs, may you reach comfortable conclusions.
All books reveal perfection, by what they are or what they are not.
May you find that which you seek, in these pages or outside them.
May you find perfection, and know it by name.

Christopher Moore
And an inky-colored despair of rejection enveloped me like the black tortilla of depression around a pain burrito.

Christopher Moore
Then someone started pounding on the door. And not a little "Hey, what's up?" pound. Like there was a big sale on door pounds down at the Pound Outlet. Buy one, get one free at Pounds-n-Stuff. —Being the Journal of Abby Normal

Christopher Moore
Inside, I was like: "Ha, suck my spiky rubber strap-on, vampyre hunter!

Christopher Moore
It's wildly irritating to have invented something as revolutionary as sarcasm, only to have it abused by amateurs.

Christopher Moore
He had risked his freedom and his pride to buy her this, to acknowledge that part of her that everyone else seemed to want to get rid of.

Christopher Moore
Words, words, words, a million million words circle in my head like hawks, waiting to dive onto the page to rend and tear the only two words I want to write. Why me?

Christopher Moore
This book you've read is just a story. I made it up. It is not designed to change anyone's beliefs or worldview, unless after reading it you've decided to be kinder to your fellow humans (which is okay), or you decide you really would like to teach yoga to an elephant, in which case, please get videotape.

Christopher Moore
You're trying to be tricky. What's morality?" "It's the difference between what's right and what you can rationalize." "Must be a human thing." "Exactly.

Christopher Moore
I was seven before I realized that you could eat breakfast with your pants on.

Christopher Moore
Devil's Food?" You can only eat so much white cake, my friend.

Christopher Moore
They were told what they wanted and they believed it. They can only keep their dream alive by being with others like themselves who will mirror their illusions.

Christopher Moore
They want to be tied up, I tie them up. They want to be spanked, I spank them. They want to be called names, I call them names. But try and drink a little of their blood, and they scream like babies. What about my needs?

Christopher Moore
Fornication with your daughters thats like a double dog sin.

Christopher Moore
You think you know how this story is going to end, but you don't. Trust me, I was there. I know.

Christopher Moore
There's a fine edge to new grief, it severs nerves, disconnects reality—there's mercy in a sharp blade. Only with time, as the edge wears, does the real ache begin.

Christopher Moore
You should feel what it is like to pleasure a falcon. You lock talons with her in the sky and do it while you both are falling like meteors. You would like it; they never complain if you come too fast.

Christopher Moore
We know there's going to be nothing but pain, but we go back again and again.

Christopher Moore
Love is not something you think about, it is a state in which you dwell

Christopher Moore
One day the good times had to keep on rolling, and all of life's horseshit would turn to circuses.

Christopher Moore
Theophilus Crowe's mobile phone played eight bars of "Tangled Up in Blue" in an irritating electronic voice that sounded like a choir of suffering houseflies, or Jiminy Cricket huffing helium, or, well, you know, Bob Dylan.

Christopher Moore
Which is why you chose to wear that delightful ensemble from the skank-wear collection at Hoes-n-Thangs?" -Tommy

Christopher Moore