Ambrose Bierce Quotes

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Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.

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Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.

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Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.

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Future, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true, and our happiness is assured.

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Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.

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Architect, n. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.

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Fidelity, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.

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COMFORT, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's uneasiness.

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OBLIVION, n. The state or condition in which the wicked cease from struggling and the dreary are at rest. Fame's eternal dumping ground.

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Women and foxes, being weak, are distinguished by superior tact.

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RAILROAD, n. The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get away from where we are to where we are no better off. For this purpose the railroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it permits him to make the transit with great expedition.

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The place whereon the priest formerly raveled out the small intestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divination and cooked its flesh for the gods. The word is now seldom used, except with reference to the sacrifice of their liberty and peace by a male and a female fool.

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HASH: There is no definition for this word - nobody knows what hash is.

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CLOSE-FISTED, adj. Unduly desirous of keeping that which many meritorious persons wish to obtain.

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You can effect a change of robbers every four years. Inestimable privilege to pull off the glutted leech and attach the lean one! And you cannot even choose among the lean leeches, but must accept those designated by the programmers and showmen who have the reptiles on tap.

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MUSTANG, n. An indocile horse of the western plains. In English society, the American wife of an English nobleman.

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DECALOGUE, n. A series of commandments, ten in number - just enough to permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to embarrass the choice.

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A nation that will not enforce its laws has no claim to the respect and allegiance of its people.

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ARENA, n. In politics, an imaginary rat-pit in which the statesman wrestles with his record.

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VANITY, n. The tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass.

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ADDER, n. A species of snake. So called from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of living.

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Duck-bill, n. Your account at your restaurant during the canvas-back season.

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Rome has seven sacraments, but the Protestant churches, being less prosperous, feel that they can afford only two, and these of inferior sanctity.

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ZIGZAG, v.t. To move forward uncertainly, from side to side, as one carrying the white man's burden.

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IMAGINATION, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership.

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EXILE, n. One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not an ambassador.

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ABDOMEN, n. The temple of the god Stomach, inwhose worship, with sacrificial rights, all true men engage.

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Pantheism, n.
The doctrine that everything is God, in contradistinction to the doctrine that God is everything.

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Legitimate authority to be, to do or to have; as the right to be a king, the right to do one's neighbor, the right to have measles, and the like.

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QUORUM, n. A sufficient number of members of a deliberative body to have their own way and their own way of having it. In the U.S. Senate a quorum consists of the chairman of the Committee on Finance and a messenger from the White House.

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