Tucker Max Quotes

26 Sourced Quotes

No one has it all figured out, especially not the people who are acting like they do and judging you because of it. Pretending to be something you aren't because you're trying to please a bunch of judgmental hypocrites and shitheads is not the way to be happy. Living the life you want to live is. It really is that simple.

Tucker Max
Tucker: You guys going to Milwaukee? Guy: Yes sir, heading home after a vacation. Tucker: Did you know there are midgets in Milwaukee? [The man and his wife are silent and confused.] Tucker: HUNDREDS OF THEM!

Tucker Max
You play crotch roulette, you're gonna hit double zero once in a while.

Tucker Max
I will never understand why people get so upset at things I don't even remember saying.

Tucker Max
Yinzer: DAMN!! I wish I had your balls! Tucker:"I wish you had a breath mint, but I guess we don't always get what we wish for.

Tucker Max
You ever wake up in the middle of the night because a couple of cats are clawing each other to death outside your window? That's what it's like listening to you speak.

Tucker Max
9:00: I don't know what I want. I just point at the Dollar Menu and say, 'Give me all of that.

Tucker Max
Leave it up to hipster nerds to pretend to hate something that they actually want

Tucker Max
Due to the potent combination of my sexual recklessness and the slutty nature of some of the girls I have slept with, I have accumulated enough stories and anecdotes about abortion that they could name a Planned Parenthood clinic after me.

Tucker Max
We can't get kicked out of McDonald's! This is like the DMZ of drunk eating.

Tucker Max
I could never kill myself. What if it doesn't work. Then I'll have failed at the only thing that could save me from my failures. Where do you go from there?

Tucker Max
The general intellectual level of South Florida is somewhere just above "functionally retarded".

Tucker Max
My favorite random email I got was from some guy who wrote: "Mr. Max, with the hope of a six year old on the night before Christmas asking about Santa, I ask the same question: Do you really exist?

Tucker Max
Halloween revolves around delicious candy, excessive alcohol, and horny women dressed as sluts. This also describes my vision of Heaven.

Tucker Max
I love women, I love alcohol, and I love combining the two. If God invented anything better than drunk sex with a hot girl, he kept it to himself.

Tucker Max
This may come as a shock to some of you, but I have a slightly volatile personality. I don't suffer fools well.

Tucker Max
Things always work out for me because I do whatever I want without worrying about the consequences.

Tucker Max
I stop paying attention because as much as I love beauty, I hate stupidity, and seeing the two combined pisses me off.

Tucker Max
I never understand why women think drama and bullshit are attractive to guys. They're not. I'm going to be real clear about this, ladies, so pay attention: Prince Charming doesn't come to rescue cunty lunatics.

Tucker Max
Motherfucker. She leaves me no choice. Now I have to break her self-esteem, sleep with her and steal the shirt.

Tucker Max
If people try to judge you or shame you for doing safe, consensual things that make you happy, I can guarantee you they're bad people.

Tucker Max
That's the beauty of alcohol. If you don't remember it, it didn't happen.

Tucker Max
The devil doesn't come dressed in a red cape and pointy horns. He comes as everything you've ever wished for...

Tucker Max
You know that look a cop gives you when he's so confused that he doesn't even know how to respond? If you don't know that look, it means you haven't had enough fun in your life.

Tucker Max
You look like the type of people who would criticize a misspelling in a suicide note.

Tucker Max