Tucker Max - Assholes Finish First (2010)

14 Sourced Quotes

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You look like the type of people who would criticize a misspelling in a suicide note.

Tucker Max
You know that look a cop gives you when he's so confused that he doesn't even know how to respond? If you don't know that look, it means you haven't had enough fun in your life.

Tucker Max
The devil doesn't come dressed in a red cape and pointy horns. He comes as everything you've ever wished for...

Tucker Max
If people try to judge you or shame you for doing safe, consensual things that make you happy, I can guarantee you they're bad people.

Tucker Max
Motherfucker. She leaves me no choice. Now I have to break her self-esteem, sleep with her and steal the shirt.

Tucker Max
I love women, I love alcohol, and I love combining the two. If God invented anything better than drunk sex with a hot girl, he kept it to himself.

Tucker Max
No one has it all figured out, especially not the people who are acting like they do and judging you because of it. Pretending to be something you aren't because you're trying to please a bunch of judgmental hypocrites and shitheads is not the way to be happy. Living the life you want to live is. It really is that simple.

Tucker Max
I could never kill myself. What if it doesn't work. Then I'll have failed at the only thing that could save me from my failures. Where do you go from there?

Tucker Max
Due to the potent combination of my sexual recklessness and the slutty nature of some of the girls I have slept with, I have accumulated enough stories and anecdotes about abortion that they could name a Planned Parenthood clinic after me.

Tucker Max
Leave it up to hipster nerds to pretend to hate something that they actually want

Tucker Max
Yinzer: DAMN!! I wish I had your balls! Tucker:"I wish you had a breath mint, but I guess we don't always get what we wish for.

Tucker Max
I will never understand why people get so upset at things I don't even remember saying.

Tucker Max
You play crotch roulette, you're gonna hit double zero once in a while.

Tucker Max
Tucker: You guys going to Milwaukee? Guy: Yes sir, heading home after a vacation. Tucker: Did you know there are midgets in Milwaukee? [The man and his wife are silent and confused.] Tucker: HUNDREDS OF THEM!

Tucker Max