Mitch Fatel Quotes

3 Sourced Quotes

I'm as close to retarded as you can get and still live alone, I'll admit that. If there was an island for retarded people, I would be their king. They would be like "he can cut his own meat, he will lead us!"

Mitch Fatel

Sometimes when I'm eating a blueberry muffin, it's so tasty and delightful, that I think, "Wow, this is better than sex!" And sometimes when I'm having sex I think, "Wow, this is very expensive. I should have just gotten a muffin." Because it's less expensive and you can cut it in half and save some for later. Yes, you can refrigerate your muffins.

Mitch Fatel

Girls love their showers, they spend like twelve hours in there. I know why too, I read in Cosmo. It said that, "Eighty three percent of all women masturbate in the shower." That's wonderful. I can't masturbate in the shower cause my legs give out and then I rip down the shower curtain. And then my Mom gets mad. And I have to go to bed without dinner. I masturbated in the car once. That's a cry for help. I wouldn't do it again, though, 'cause the cab driver got really pissed off. I was like, "I'm sorry sir, all I saw was the non-smoking sign."

Mitch Fatel

Mitch Fatel

Mitch Fatel

Creative Commons

Born: December 20, 1968 (age 55)

Bio: Mitch Fatel is a stand-up comedian. He was raised in Yonkers, New York and began doing stand-up at the age of 15. In 1988 Fatel attended NYU/Tisch School of the Arts and majored in Film and Acting Studies.

Mitch Fatel on Wikipedia

Suggest an edit or a new quote

American Comedian Quotes

Comedian Quotes

20th-century Comedian Quotes