Jordan Sonnenblick Quotes

30 Sourced Quotes

I dove on those papers like Sherlock Holmes on a cappuccino binge.

Jordan Sonnenblick
But nobody ever tells you in advance when you should concentrate on the good times-that's why you're supposed to do it every day.

Jordan Sonnenblick
Finally the kitchen clock said 5:17. It was time to roll out. I shouted for my mom, woke Jeffrey up, ran upstairs, changed into my concert clothes, put on my shoes, and was standing by the door to the garage by 5:19—chanting Let's go! Come on! (Feel free to try that at home, by the way; moms love it!)

Jordan Sonnenblick
You can be our critic. Would you dig that? (Yes, he was the last Man in America who could say dig with a straight face without referring to the process of using a tool to remove dirt from the ground.)

Jordan Sonnenblick
If you promise you will get better instead of dying, I promise I will, too.

Jordan Sonnenblick
There are really no guidelines whatsoever, because this is the kind of thing that only happens to ME.

Jordan Sonnenblick
Steven, I know I phrased that as a question, but it was really a command. Yes, but mine is…ummm…private. Private, Steven? Yes, Miss Palma. PRIVATE Steven? Again with the capital letters?

Jordan Sonnenblick
The only time I can ever remember Steven crying over any of it was after my treatment, when I tried to use my foot on his bass drum pedal, and we realized I could never play a drum set.

Jordan Sonnenblick
I seriously think I could have sat in the middle of the kitchen floor rubbing two sticks together over a pile of dynamite blocks and gasoline cans, and my parents would be oblivious, as long as I was keeping myself occupied.

Jordan Sonnenblick
Did you really JUST fall, Jeffrey? Why does everybody in my family talk in these dramatic CAPITAL LETTERS all the time? Why am I the only calm one?

Jordan Sonnenblick
Well your mom was right, in a way. What do you mean? He DID fall, right? So he wasn't safe on the stool. Thanks, Annette. Thanks a lot. That's exactly what I needed to hear right now. You're a very inspiring person, you know that?

Jordan Sonnenblick
And if there was one thing I'd finally figured out, it was that your mind is something you always CAN change.

Jordan Sonnenblick
It was a cheesy cheeseball, covered with Cheez Whiz and served on a bed of Cheez-Its. With a side of queso.

Jordan Sonnenblick
He also said that if anyone did anything to mess up the rest of the testing, he was going to call 911 personally. Yeah, like that wouldn't make it into the nightly news again: WHEELCHAIR-BOUND CANCER PATIENT ARRESTED FOR FREE SPEECH.

Jordan Sonnenblick
Take care, Jeffy. I'll see you soon, right? Just remember not to throw food at the nurses. I don't want to get any complaint calls, OK? Steven, I don't throw food at…oh, that was a joke, right? Yup, buddy boy. It was a joke. But seriously, no kissing the nurses on the lips, either. It messes up their makeup. Eeeeeeewwwww!

Jordan Sonnenblick
Renee was beautiful, but she was my friend now. On the other hand, Annette was my friend, but now she was beautiful. makes about as much sense as anything ever does with girls

Jordan Sonnenblick
My little blurb wasn't going to win me any speaker-of-the-year awards, but at least I hadn't tripped and fallen off the stage, crushing and killing three elderly jazz fans.

Jordan Sonnenblick
Note to self: It's hard to attain a state of no-mind when you're incredibly pumped up on tea and sugar and have to urinate every three and a half minutes.

Jordan Sonnenblick
Oh, good lord, Jeff. Don't go getting all emotional on me. I've been getting it from my mom, my dad, my sister, the freaking MAILMAN—I don't need it from you, too. All I ask is that you promise me one thing.' 'What?' 'Just water the plants while I'm gone, all right?' 'You don't have plants, Tad.' 'I know. I just always wanted to say that.

Jordan Sonnenblick
Instead of agonizing about the things you can't change, why don't you try working on the things you can change

Jordan Sonnenblick
Some kids do drugs. Some kids light stuff on fire. Me, I eat oats.

Jordan Sonnenblick
Chicks dig a dude who's sporting the latest eggplant turtleneck styles.

Jordan Sonnenblick
Not, like, that, boychik, you sound like a herd of elephants charging through a music store.

Jordan Sonnenblick
He said he "admired our courage" but didn't want to see us do anything to "damage our promising futures." He felt "proud as an American" that we had "exercised our right to peaceful free expression." But if we did it again, he didn't "know what action the state board of education might take against individual students." Translation: You've had your fun. Now sit down, shut up, and take the freakin' test. Or else.

Jordan Sonnenblick
Mr. Watras asked me whether I was practicing, and I told him I was practicing my tissue basketball skills.

Jordan Sonnenblick
Who's that? That's the King. Who's he? The Duke. Who's she? The Princess. What do they call you? The Count. What does that make me? Umm…how about the Peasant? And the name stuck.

Jordan Sonnenblick
What do you call a planet where bad guys stroll through life with success draped around their shoulders like a King's cloak, while random horrors are visited upon the innocent heads of children? I call it Earth.

Jordan Sonnenblick
Me: Well, you see, I, uh, I'm a cancer survivor.
Person 1: And how's that working out for you?
Me: Well, you see, I, uh, used to have leukemia.
Person 2: Dude, how come you're not, like, BALD?
Me: Well, you see, I, uh, I had acute lymphocytic lymphoma when I was five.
Person 3: Whoa. THAT must'a sucked. I once had my tonsils out...

Jordan Sonnenblick
It's amazing—my parents call everything a discussion. If I were standing across the street, firing a bazooka at my mother, while my father was launching mortar back at me, and Jeffery was charging down the driveway with a grenade in his teeth, my parents would say we should stop having this public "discussion".

Jordan Sonnenblick
You look like a handsome young man…although you might want to zip your fly. Mom! What? Should I have not told you and left it for everyone else to notice at the dance?

Jordan Sonnenblick