Richard Jeni Quotes

12 Sourced Quotes

A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and running over everybody in the gay parade.

Richard Jeni
There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two.

Richard Jeni
To men, porno movies are beautiful love stories with all the boring stuff taken out.

Richard Jeni
Porno is just like any other drug; after a while you start building up a tolerance to it.

Richard Jeni
Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!

Richard Jeni
This is the guy I'll be thinking about when I put a gun to My head.

Richard Jeni
If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career.

Richard Jeni
A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. These are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people's freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.

Richard Jeni
They should just call it The Bad News. The bloodiest, most disgusting things that happened today packed into a half an hour, right before you go to bed. You thought you were scared before...

Richard Jeni
I don't get that — people going to war over religion. I don't know, I could see going to war over justice or democracy or even revenge. But if you're going to war over religion, now you're just killing people in an argument over who has the better imaginary friend.

Richard Jeni
An adult male human that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone.

Richard Jeni
The title of this movie should be "Here's a Fish. You're Stupid."

Richard Jeni