Jen Lancaster Quotes

30 Sourced Quotes

I would rather receive a Pap smear from Captain Hook than venture out on New Year's Eve.

Jen Lancaster
I'm the person who says every single thing she thinks, sometimes to others' amusement, and almost always to my detriment.

Jen Lancaster
I never sleep on the plane. I have to be awake and using my mind power to keep it in the air

Jen Lancaster
I don't care how happily married you are or how deeply enmeshed you are with your children and family and career -- every woman needs a couple of chicks who'll break out the sangria just because you need to vent.

Jen Lancaster
I'm instantly mortified by my fat, uncontrollable mouth, but that's when it occurs to me that my humor is a self-defense mechanism. Even though I may come off like a stark raving asshat, being funny is the most important tool I have to stay sane. The ability to say what I think is the key to allowing me to feel in control.

Jen Lancaster
Fortunately, all it takes for us to be of one mind is some buttercream frosting.

Jen Lancaster
No, it's not a 'corpse thing.' I feel I lack the emotional capacity to deal with those in mourning...

Jen Lancaster
Fletch then kisses me on the forehead before opening the cabinet under the coffeemaker to grab placemats and napkins. Retrieving these items is his job because I kind of don't like to bend. I also refuse to carry anything heavier than my purse.

Jen Lancaster
Were I forced to describe this woman in one word, that word would be...herpes.

Jen Lancaster
Over the summer we chatted one night while Angie stripped a bed, changed wet sheets, comforted and repajamaed a toddler, and chased down a car of speeding teenagers while shaking a brick at them, never once interrupting the conversation or setting down her margarita. The only reason this woman isn't president of General Motors is because she's chosen not to be.

Jen Lancaster
Some people are destined to be deep thinkers. I am not one of those people.

Jen Lancaster
You know what it was like? It was like thinking I was heading to a surprise party and instead it was a surprise pap smear.

Jen Lancaster
I don't mean to get all religious here, but I'm pretty sure key lime martinis (with a graham cracker & sugar rim) are proof that Jesus loves us.

Jen Lancaster
Ambien might have mentally just tossed my salad. WITH CROUTONS.

Jen Lancaster
When I hug her, I notice she's still wearing yesterday's false eyelashes. Mom? You know those come off with a little makeup remover and a cotton pad?" I'm not taking them off." Why not?" I spent $180 on that makeup job and I refuse to wash my face until I get my money's worth.

Jen Lancaster
The living room is a monument to my impulsive spending habits. I've got more than two hundred DVDs, including cinematic greats such as Monkey Bone, Corkey Romano, and A Night at the Roxbury, leading me to believe not only do I have awful taste in films, but I also have a Chris Kattan fixation. What I don't have is $4000 earing intrest in a money market account.

Jen Lancaster
Despite my best efforts, I'm not quite perfect. Let's just say I'm like one of those Hopi blankets where they leave a tiny flaw so as to not affront the Lord.

Jen Lancaster
For the record? I have never been her baby. In fact, I reject the notion of coming out of her body. I prefer to believe I was hatched, or perhaps purchased.

Jen Lancaster
Owning a dog is slightly less expensive than being addicted to crack.

Jen Lancaster
Maybe I've moved to the dark side, but it's clean and nice and we never run out of toilet paper.

Jen Lancaster
This is terrific! What fun! Maybe tomorrow I can go to the prom with my brother. The day after, perhaps I can wear white pants and unexpectedly get my period.

Jen Lancaster
I'm busy sorting through our new collection of rhinestone jewelry. Should anyone be in the market for sparkly accessories the size of a hubcap, this is the place to get them. Earlier today, a customer picked up one of the enormous chandelier-style offerings and asked, 'Do those be genuine rhimestones?' I couldn't even begin to explain everything that was wrong with her sentence, so I simply replied, 'Yes. They do be genuine.

Jen Lancaster
Although I get a lot of specialty services like wraps, scrubs, and mustache removal, my favorite is the simple manicure/pedicure. They work on your hands and feet at the same time while you sit in a vibrating chair. I call it the sorority girls version of a threesome.

Jen Lancaster
I yearn to be a woman of more depth, but I'm not so fond of the path I'd need to follow to get there.

Jen Lancaster
Point? Maybe you aren't a Carrie or a Samantha or a Charlotte or a Miranda. Maybe you're just you.

Jen Lancaster
I still believe in the Holy Trinity, except now it's Target, Trader Joe's, and IKEA.

Jen Lancaster
Really? If I could hate my trainer? That would be ideal. I'd prefer to despise this person with the fire of ten thousand suns. So when I walk - nay, crawl - out of here at the end of my workouts, I want to lull myself to sleep by picturing my very talented and inspirational trainer getting hit by a bus. A bus that I am driving.

Jen Lancaster
When did the cell phone become a license to be rude? And why must I be subjected to your personal conversations?

Jen Lancaster
Amen,' I exclaim, accidentally spitting out a Raisinet. I pick up the chocolate with a Kleenex and stuff it in my purse. Ten bucks says a month from now I'll have forgotten about it and will finally have said heart attack when I assume a rat shat in there.

Jen Lancaster
No matter how happy anyone is with their choices, I believe it's human nature to wonder about the path not taken.

Jen Lancaster