Authors
Topics
Lists
Pictures
Resources
More about Christopher Titus
Christopher Titus Quotes
42 Sourced Quotes
Source
Report...
The Times Square Incident wasn't a terrorist attack, it was a Jim Carrey movie. The terrorist locked the keys to the safe house he was going to escape to in the carbomb. And I love that he locked the carbomb. "Nobody's getting my Ipod." Then he left the keys to carbomb hanging out of the tailgate of the carbomb, and built the carbomb out of fertilizer that wouldn't explode. I have been doing comedy for 25 years and I have NEVER been that funny.
Christopher Titus
Source
Report...
CLINT EASTWOOD DOESN'T MOISTURIZE!... but CLINT EASTWOOD NEEDS TO MOISTURIZE!
Christopher Titus
Source
Report...
I bet a guy at a bar 50 bucks that I was more dysfunctional than he was. He raped me. So I tipped him. I'm very competitive.
"The yearbook voted me most likely to be scraped off an onramp by a puking fireman"
Christopher Titus
Source
Report...
Let's define "terrorist organization." A terrorist organization is an organization that makes you feel scared all the time and makes you change your behavior. What does CNN, Fox News, and MSNBC do all the time? That's right. Wolf Blitzer? Terrorist. Glenn Beck? Terrorist. Nancy Grace? Terrorist. AND her plastic surgeon. The only news organization that is not a terrorist organization is the BBC. Because the BBC can make the worst things sound okay. [British accent] Hello, welcome to the BBC. Satan has re-entered the planet. He is picking up babies with his talons, ripping off their heads, and sucking out their souls. We're in for a thousand years of darkness, all hope is lost and now, the World Cup update.
Christopher Titus
Source
Report...
I had a real job at fourteen years old. At seventeen, I was on my own. At twenty, I cut the liver out of a drifter and gave it to my father! 'Cause my dad's a drinker and I love my dad. And for eighty bucks, you can do anything in Mexico!
Christopher Titus
Source
Report...
My mom was a manic depressive schizophrenic who, after a year in prison, went home and shot herself. My sister, Shannon, an amazing poet, who was raised by this woman, and was dating a guy who broke up with her for the fourth time in three weeks. And one day, she came to his house, got a gun, and blew her brains out all over his headboard. I just went through a divorce, five years in court and cost me $2 million dollars. If anyone, by law, should be forced to take antidepressants it's me... But instead, I choose to be an antidepressant. And you can take me with alcohol.
Christopher Titus
Source
Report...
Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, (a la a game show announcer): "Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!"
Christopher Titus
Source
Report...
How come Mom is crazy and I'm not? Well, it's possible my mom could stand up in front of this many people and talk about all the crap in her life and those people could have sat around and laughed with her, it would've meant nothing and she could have moved on cool. It's also possible she could have taken out the whole front row with a large-caliber weapon.
Christopher Titus
Source
Report...
Every neighborhood on the planet has a house like this on the block. We've all driven past it. A bunch of people living there, too old to be kids, but never gonna be adults... You can tell that by the "AEROSMITH ROCKS" banner in the living room window... Four sociopathic pitbulls roaming the yard at all times... The brown one has one leg, just flops to the fence every couple of hours... You can tell when the family's doubled their net worth 'cause they parked a new gutted Chevelle in the driveway... The mailman's afraid to bring the mail, so he just gives it to the cops, 'cause hell, they're gonna be there anyway... And if you don't recognize this house in your neighborhood, you live in this house in your neighborhood.
Christopher Titus
Source
Report...
I don't fail. I succeed at finding what doesn't work.
Christopher Titus
Source
Report...
I got divorced from my wife on June 6, 2006. Yeah, 6-6-06, which coincidentally, was when my wife turned into a slithering demon spawned from the fiery depths of Satan's anus. But for legal reasons, I have to call her, "Kate."
Christopher Titus
Source
Report...
And I want you to know something man, we all feel really bad that when you were in Troop 182 the Scout master rubbed your butt at the overnight jamboree. But what are you like 30 now? You've got life on backwards, come here let me flip it, there see, now your past is behind you. What's say you climb down off the cross use the wood to build a bridge and get over it.
Christopher Titus
Source
Report...
[on his father's last wishes before dying] "I want to be cremated. Then I want to you to take the ashes, I want you to put them in a douche bottle, find a hooker, and run me through one more time." [groans and disgusted laughs] On my children, I did not write that. I am repeating it.
Christopher Titus
Source
Report...
He looked like the type of dad that volunteers to hand out the trophies to the losers in Little League. [pauses, angrily] And when did that start?! You don't get a trophy for losing. You get pizza and you shut the fuck up.
Christopher Titus
Source
Report...
I lost 28 pounds in my divorce…because that's what a soul weighs.
Christopher Titus
Source
Report...
Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?!
Christopher Titus
Source
Report...
… And if you are a man wearing capri pants...? [Laughter] You need to take your guy card out of your wallet and pass it forward. Then... yeah, then, on the way home I want you to buy a tube of Vagasil, a VW convertible, and have your boyfriend drive you the rest of the way home, 'cause you are dismissed.
Christopher Titus
1
2
Quote of the day
Time and trouble will tame an advanced young woman, but an advanced old woman is uncontrollable by any earthly force.
Dorothy L. Sayers
Christopher Titus
Born:
October 1, 1964
(age 59)
Bio:
Christopher Todd Titus is an American comedian and actor. He grew up in Newark, California. Titus came to national attention with the eponymous FOX show Titus, of which he was the star, executive producer and co-creator.
Known for:
Titus (2000 – 2002)
Special Unit (2006)
Pawnography (2014 – 2015)
Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988)
Big Shots (2007 – 2008)
Most used words:
terrorist
years
man
house
time
mom
carbomb
people
life
organization
dad
living
guy
kid
bbc
Christopher Titus on Wikipedia
Suggest an edit or a new quote
Christopher Titus Quotes
Christopher Titus Short Quotes
American Actor Quotes
Actor Quotes
20th-century Actor Quotes
Featured Authors
Lists
Predictions that didn't happen
If it's on the Internet it must be true
Remarkable Last Words (or Near-Last Words)
Picture Quotes
Confucius
Philip James Bailey
Eleanor Roosevelt
Letitia Elizabeth Landon
Popular Topics
life
love
nature
time
god
power
human
mind
work
art
heart
thought
men
day
×
Lib Quotes