Paul Reiser Quotes

14 Sourced Quotes

Get a good dog. We have not picked up food in the kitchen in 15 years.

Paul Reiser
Three has always been tougher than Two. Think of any of your famous threesomes. The Three Stooges? Look at the anger there. My bet is that before Curly was born, Moe and Larry could play together for hours without even a single poke in the eye. Huey, Dewey, and Louie? Donald Duck never had a moment's peace. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly? I rest my case.

Paul Reiser
I can't get past the fact that food is coming out of my wife's breasts. What was once essentially an entertainment center has now become a juice bar.

Paul Reiser
The way I figure, there are two types of people: those who get it and those who don't. If they get it, there's nothing to explain, and if they don't, there's no point in trying to explain. They don't get it. Move on.

Paul Reiser
Marriage is just an elaborate game that allows two selfish people to periodically feel that they're not.

Paul Reiser
Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.

Paul Reiser
From the minute we're born, boys and girls stare at each other, trying to figure out if they like what they see. Like parade lines, passing each other for mutual inspection. You march, you look. You march, you look. If you're interested, you stop and talk, and if it doesn't work out, you just get back in the parade. You keep marching, and you keep looking.

Paul Reiser
When people talk about wanting to have children someday, what they really mean is that they want to have babies.

Paul Reiser
When my son said, "I can't stop thinking about girls," I said, "That's not gonna stop. Congratulations. You're in the club. From now until the day you die, one way or another you'll be thinking about girls."

Paul Reiser
By shrewdly linking procreation to an act likely to make you stupid with excitement, God has seen to it that Life does indeed go on. It's possible, by the way, that this is why God's name comes up so often in the middle of the act; it's a salute to the author: Hey, whoever made this up - thanks.

Paul Reiser
Why do you think people close their eyes when they kiss? Think about it. In the real world, if you saw someone an-inch-and-a-half away, coming at you with their eyes open and their lips puckered, you'd scream. It's alarming.

Paul Reiser
They don't see that whole pattern. Worm/death. Worm/death. I would catch on.

Paul Reiser
When you realize you would consider not having a child just so you could take an occasional snooze and be available to see Batman Retires the same weekend it comes out, you have to take a good hard look at yourself and acknowledge, I am a shallow, shallow person.

Paul Reiser
New parents always sound like hucksters in a pyramid scheme. Anyone who has kids and then gets you to go and have kids gets a check from Huckster Headquarters.

Paul Reiser