Neil Simon Quotes

23 Sourced Quotes

I love living. I have some problems with my life, but living is the best thing they've come up with so far.

Neil Simon
Money brings some happiness. But after a certain point, it just brings more money.

Neil Simon
Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you'll have a happy and wonderful marriage…Like two out of every ten couples.

Neil Simon
It looks different when you're sober. I thought I had twice as much furniture.

Neil Simon
Once you start compromising your thoughts, you're a candidate for mediocrity.

Neil Simon
All humor is based on hostility - that's why World War Two was funny.

Neil Simon
If you can go through life without ever experiencing pain you probably haven't been born yet. And if you've gone through pain and think you know exactly why, you haven't examined all the options.

Neil Simon
Oscar: I got brown sandwiches and green sandwiches…Well, what do you say?
Murray: What's the green?
Oscar: It's either very new cheese or very old meat.

Neil Simon
I can't stand whispering. Every time a doctor whispers in the hospital, next day there's a funeral.

Neil Simon
I read the obituaries every day just for the satisfaction of not seeing my name there.

Neil Simon
Gee, what a terrific party. Later on we'll get some fluid and embalm each other.

Neil Simon
The body of a young woman is God's greatest achievement…Of course, He could have built it to last longer but you can't have everything.

Neil Simon
I understand. You work very hard two days a week and you need a five-day weekend. That's normal.

Neil Simon
Is that bottle just going to sit up there or are you going to turn it into a lamp?

Neil Simon
She starts to tell me how she's…married to an Italian with four restaurants on Long Island and right away I dig he's in with the mob. I mean one restaurant, you're in business, four restaurants it's the Mafia.

Neil Simon
You've got to understand, in a way a thirty-three-year-old guy is a lot younger than a twenty-four-year-old girl. That is, he may not be ready for marriage yet.

Neil Simon
Everyone thinks they can write a play; you just write down what happened to you. But the art of it is drawing from all the moments of your life.

Neil Simon
You're welcome to take a bath. You look like the second week of the garbage strike.

Neil Simon
People with honorary awards are looked upon with disfavor. Would you let an honorary mechanic fix your brand-new Mercedes?

Neil Simon
He's too nervous to kill himself. He wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.

Neil Simon
How long do you want to wait until you start enjoying life? When you're sixty-five you get social security, not girls.

Neil Simon
There are two million interesting people in New York and only seventy-eight in Los Angeles.

Neil Simon
A writer without confidence is like a metaphor without something to compare itself to.

Neil Simon