Justin Halpern Quotes

13 Sourced Quotes

That woman was sexy.... Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them.

Justin Halpern
You say you're sick, huh? Well, it looks like you've come down with a case of bullshit.

Justin Halpern
You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house.

Justin Halpern
You worry too much. Eat some bacon...what? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.

Justin Halpern
Eventually, though, I came to the conclusion that I was the male equivalent of a Toyota Camry. You know: No one ever says, "I have to have a Toyota Camry." But most people who spend some time in a Camry start to like it. "It's pretty reliable," they think. "It doesn't have a lot of problems, and it's not bad to look at. You know what? I'd probably prefer a nicer car. But I can live with a Camry.

Justin Halpern
No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're shitty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry..

Justin Halpern
People are always trying to tell you how they feel. Some of them say it outright, and some of them, they tell you with their actions. And you have to listen. I don't know what will happen with your lady friend. I think she's a nice person, and I hope you get what you want. But do me a favor: Listen, and don't ignore what you hear.

Justin Halpern
My parents had irrational fears of Mexico and assumed that once you crossed the border, drug runners made you swallow a heroin balloon and then within the hour you were in a bathtub full of ice and they were harvesting your kidneys.

Justin Halpern
The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out.

Justin Halpern
Why would you throw a ball in someone's face?...Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good.

Justin Halpern
I just want silence... Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more.

Justin Halpern
Oh spare me, being stuck in your bedroom is not like prison. You don't have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom.

Justin Halpern
[The] majority of the girls working there had major emotional problems. And not cries-too-much emotional problems; more like stabs-her-boyfriend-with-a-steak-knife-then-falls-into-a-corner-and-starts-whispering-to-herself emotional problems.

Justin Halpern