Jim Gaffigan Quotes

23 Sourced Quotes

There were times in my life when I had one thing to do all day, but I still couldn't get to it. I gotta go to the post office, but I'd probably have to put on pants. And they're only open till five. Looks like I'm going to have to do that next week.

Jim Gaffigan
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does, right?

Jim Gaffigan
How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy's sitting there, like, "How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water."

Jim Gaffigan
Screaming. Did I mention the screaming? Screaming is usually associated with horror films and roller coasters. This is why I usually look like I've just watched a horror film on a rollercoaster. Kids love to scream. Frightened, happy, bored. They scream. I've actually learned to love the sound of a vacuum cleaner. It's just so peaceful.

Jim Gaffigan
I'm not saying that McDonald's gift certificates caused the obesity epidemic, but in retrospect, the timing is kind of suspicious.

Jim Gaffigan
The question is the primary form of communication for little kids.

Jim Gaffigan
Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

Jim Gaffigan
I'm getting fat... as I planned. Luckily, my gut is intentional. I'm actually preparing for a big role. Sure, it's a cinnamon roll.

Jim Gaffigan
I've never tried fatback. Probably 'cause it's called fatback. I don't know which word creeps me out more: fat or back. Why don't they just throw in "hairy" while they're at it? "This is some delicious hairy fatback."

Jim Gaffigan
Holidays are also an opportunity for kids to unlearn every good habit they've learned during the rest of the year. They don't go to school. They get to stay up past their bedtime. They get candy and presents for doing nothing. Childhood utopia.

Jim Gaffigan
The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Jim Gaffigan
If camping is so great, why are the bugs always trying to get in your house?

Jim Gaffigan
Once you put bacon in a salad, it's no longer a salad. It just becomes a game of 'find the bacon in the lettuce'. It's like you're panning for gold. Eureka!

Jim Gaffigan
I guess the reasons against having more children always seem uninspiring and superficial. What exactly am I missing out on? Money? A few more hours of sleep? A more peaceful meal? More hair? These are nothing compared to what I get from these five monsters who rule my life.

Jim Gaffigan
I used to have to do readings in church, and it was terrifying. I would never have my glasses. The words are printed so small even Superman would be nervous. And you're reading from the Bible. It's not like you can just make something up and improvise. A reading from the letter of Saint Paul to the Corinthians. Uhhh. Dear Corinthians, … How was your weekend? Sure is hot here. Uh, tell Jesus 'Hey.' This is the word of the Lord.

Jim Gaffigan
But truly, women are amazing. Think about it this way: a woman can grow a baby inside her body. Then a woman can deliver the baby through her body. Then, by some miracle, a woman can feed a baby with her body. When you compare that to the male's contribution to life, it's kind of embarrassing, really.

Jim Gaffigan
How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.

Jim Gaffigan
I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.

Jim Gaffigan
People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They're pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Being happy is really the definition of success, isn't it?

Jim Gaffigan
I married a woman who loves to camp and I am what you would call indoorsy. I'm surprised we can still get people to camp. "Hey, wanna burn a couple of vacation days sleeping on the ground outside?" "Uh, No!" "What if I told you you get to crap standing up in the woods?" "I still wouldn't wanna go." "You'll wake up freezing covered in a rash." "… All right, I'll go."

Jim Gaffigan
Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.

Jim Gaffigan
Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that.

Jim Gaffigan
Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.

Jim Gaffigan