Jenny Lawson - Let's Pretend This Never Happened: (A Mostly True Memoir) (2012)

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Have you ever been homesick for someplace that doesn't actually exist anymore? Someplace that exists only in your mind?

Jenny Lawson
When I was little, my father used to sell guns and ammo at a sporting goods store, but I always told everyone he was an arms dealer, because it sounded more exciting.

Jenny Lawson
Then I yelled through his door, "It's an anniversary gift for you, asshole. Two whole weeks early. FIFTEEN YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS.

Jenny Lawson
Pretty much everyone hates high school. It's a measure of your humanity, I suspect. If you enjoyed high school, you were probably a psychopath or a cheerleader. Or possibly both. Those things aren't mutually exclusive, you know. I've tried to block out the memory of my high school years, but no matter how hard you try, it's always with you, like an unwanted hitchhiker. Or herpes. I assume...

Jenny Lawson
Because you are defined not by life's imperfect moments, but by your reaction to them. And because there is joy in embracing - rather than running from - the utter absurdity of life.

Jenny Lawson
When Hailey was born my first thought was that I needed a drink and that hospitals should have bars in them.

Jenny Lawson
In short? It is exhausting being me. Pretending to be normal is draining and requires amazing amounts of energy and Xanax.

Jenny Lawson
I picked up the phone to call the police, but then I considered how it would sound when I told them that I was calling from inside my bathroom, where I'd OD'ed on laxatives, and that a possible rapist was quietly passing me notes under the bathroom door.

Jenny Lawson
That night I looked up at those same stars, but I didn't want any of those things. I didn't want Egypt, or France, or far-flung destinations. I just wanted to go back to my life from my childhood, just to visit it, and touch it, and to convince myself that yes, it had been real.

Jenny Lawson
High School Is Life's Way of Giving You a Record Low to Judge the Rest of Your Life By)

Jenny Lawson
It's true, I did say I wanted girlfriends," I capitulated hesitantly, "but couldn't we start with something smaller and less terrifying? Like maybe spend a weekend at a crack house? I heard those people are very nonjudgmental, and if you accidentally say something offensive you can just blame it on their hallucinations.

Jenny Lawson
One moment I'm perfectly fine and the next I feel a wave of nausea, then panic. Then I can't catch my breath and I know I'm about to lose control and all I want to do is escape. Except that the one thing I can't escape from is the very thing I want to run away from... me.

Jenny Lawson
A house should look lived in, and I consider it clean as long as I don't stick to it and it doesn't give me cholera.

Jenny Lawson
You should enjoy and appreciate your days in high school, because you will remember them the rest of your life. Like when you're in prison, or you're getting mugged at gunpoint, you can say to yourself, 'Well, at least I'm not in high school.'

Jenny Lawson
When I was in junior high I read a lot of Danielle Steele. So I always assumed that the day I got engaged I'd be naked, covered in rose petals, and sleeping with the brother of the man who'd kidnapped me.

Jenny Lawson
I can finally see that all the terrible parts of my life, the embarrassing parts, the incidents I wanted to pretend never happened, and the things that make me "weird" and "different," were actually the most important parts of my life. They were the parts that made me ME.

Jenny Lawson
I am the Wizard of Oz of housewives (in that I am both "Great and Terrible" and because I sometimes hide behind the curtains

Jenny Lawson
If you enjoyed high school, you were probably a psychopath or a cheerleader. Or possibly both.

Jenny Lawson