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Racecar driving is a lot like sex; all men think they're good at it.
Jay Leno
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I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking.
Jay Leno
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I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for "Running off to Canada".
Jay Leno
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Never perform for your family. They either laugh too hard or not at all.
Jay Leno
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You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh - it's as simple as that.
Jay Leno
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Did you hear about the dog that was so high-strung, he developed a nervous tick?
Jay Leno
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In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously.
Jay Leno
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"Fred, what happened to your ass?" "Oh, the fat guy at the office sneezed on me."
Jay Leno
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106 [degrees] in the valley… I was sweating like Dan Rather checking for forged documents.
Jay Leno
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How many of you watched the vice presidential debate expecting Sarah Palin to screw up? Be honest.
Jay Leno
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Folks, tomorrow America will get to hear those four words we've been waiting for: "Former president George Bush".
Jay Leno
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Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That's scary. If the smartest guy in the world can't figure out women, we're screwed.
Jay Leno
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So China's president [Hu Jintao] meets, uh— meets America's president. It's like President "Who?" meeting President "Huh?".
Jay Leno
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No, they said they do not believe in evolution, then they said the biggest threat to America: religious radicals living in the Dark Ages.
Jay Leno
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In reply suggestions that the US should help Iraq with the Constitution drafting process:
We might as well give them ours. We aren't using it.
Jay Leno
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And some sad news… the first lesbian couple to legally get married in the state of Massachusetts has split up. They cited irreconcilable similarities.
Jay Leno
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This is now the twelfth day of rioting in France. They have been rioting for almost two weeks. And France has still not surrendered. That's like a record.
Jay Leno
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French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly.
Jay Leno
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A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. […] At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time.
Jay Leno
Quote of the day
The true spirit of conversation consists in building on another man's observation, not overturning it.
Edward Bulwer-Lytton
Jay Leno
Creative Commons
Born:
April 28, 1950
(age 74)
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