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Jay Asher -
Thirteen Reasons Why (2007)
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He looks out into the empty street, allowing me to sit in his car and just miss her. To miss her each time I pull in a breath of air. To miss her with a heart that feels so cold by itself, but warm when thoughts of her flow through me.
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If time was a string connecting all of your stories, that party would be the point where everything knots up. And that knot keeps growing and growing, getting more and more tangled, dragging the rest of your stories into it.
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Maybe it didn't seem like a big deal to you Zach. But now, I hope you understand. My world was collapsing. I needed those notes. I needed any hope those notes might have offered. And you? You took that hope away. You decided I didn't deserve to have it.
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Could be my soul mate / two kindred spirits / Maybe we're not / I guess we'll never / know
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How many times had I let myself connect with someone only to have it thrown back in my face?
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My breathing begins to slow. The tension in my muscles starts to relax. Then, a click in the headphones. A slow breath of air. I open my eyes to bright moonlight. And Hannah, with warmth. Thank you.
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Whenever I'm out late she makes a sandwich for my school lunch. I always protest and tell her not to, saying I'll make my own when I get home. But she likes it. She says it reminds her of when I was younger and needed her.
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Hannah wasn't my first kiss, but the first kiss that mattered: the first kiss with someone who mattered. (pg 222).
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And after I dropped him off, I took the longest possible route home... I explored alleys and hidden roads I never knew existed. I discovered neighborhoods entirely new to me. And finally... I discovered I was sick of this town and everything in it.
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I didn't feel physically sick. But mentally. My mind was twisting in so many ways. (...) We once saw a documentary on migraines. One of the men interviewed used to fall on his knees and bang his head against the floor, over and over during attacks. This diverted the pain from deep inside his brain, where he couldn't reach it, to a pain outside that he had control over.
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But you can't get away from yourself. You can't decide not to see yourself anymore. You can't decide to turn off the noise in your head.
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Will I ever get control of my life? Will I always be shoved back and pushed around by those I trust?
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Because I've heard so many stories that I don't know which one is the most popular. But I do know which is the least popular. The truth.
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And concentrating on the spot where the two spindles should be is the closest I get to looking Hannah's eyes as she tells my story.
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It's nothing. A school project. My go-to answer for anything. Staying out late? School project. Need extra money? School project.
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I'm sorry. Once again, those were the words. And now, anytime someone says I'm sorry, I'm going to think of her.
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Fun drunks make a nice addition to any party. Not looking to fight. Not looking to score. Just looking to get drunk and laugh.
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And at some point, the struggle becomes too much-too tiring-and you consider letting go. Allowing tragedy... or whatever... to happen.
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When you try rescuing someone and discover they can't be reached, why would you ever throw that back in their face?
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You don't need to watch out for me, Clay." But I did, Hannah. And I wanted to. I could have helped you. But when I tried, you pushed me away. I can almost hear Hannah's voice speaking my nest thought for me. "Then why didn't you try harder?
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The longer you wait, and this is true, the slower the hands will move.
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I sat. And I thought. And the more I thought, connecting the events in my life, the more my heart collapsed.
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Normally when a person has a stellar image another person's waiting in the wings to tear them apart. They're waiting for that one fatal flaw to expose itself.
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If my love were an ocean, there would be no more land. If my love were a desert, you would see only sand. If my love were a star- late at night, only light. And if my love could grow wings, I'd be soaring in flight.
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I simply wanted a kiss. I was a freshman girl who had never been kissed. Never. But I liked the boy, he liked me, and I was going to kiss him. That's the story, the whole story, right there.
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At last, in 1611, was made, under the auspices of King James, the famous King James version; and this is the great literary monument of the English language.
Lafcadio Hearn
Jay Asher
Creative Commons
Born:
September 30, 1975
(age 48)
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