H. L. Mencken - A Mencken chrestomathy (1949)

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Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.

H. L. Mencken
If x is the population of the United States and y is the degree of imbecility of the average American, then democracy is the theory that x × y is less than y.

H. L. Mencken
Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later. For another thing, they die earlier.

H. L. Mencken
Q: If you find so much that is unworthy of reverence in the United States, then why do you live here?
A: Why do men go to zoos?

H. L. Mencken
Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.

H. L. Mencken
Platitude — An idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true.

H. L. Mencken
Self-repect – The secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious.

H. L. Mencken
Jealousy is the theory that some other fellow has just as little taste.

H. L. Mencken
We are here and it is now: further than that, all human knowledge is moonshine.

H. L. Mencken
Judge — A law student who marks his own examination-papers.

H. L. Mencken
Creator: A comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh. Three proofs of His humor: democracy, hay fever, any fat woman.

H. L. Mencken
Explanations exist, they have existed for all times, for there is always a well-known solution to every human problem—neat, plausible, and wrong.

H. L. Mencken
A celebrity is one who is known to many persons he is glad he doesn't know.

H. L. Mencken
Explanations exist; they have existed for all time; there is always a well-known solution to every human problem — neat, plausible, and wrong.

H. L. Mencken
Misogynist — A man who hates women as much as women hate one another.

H. L. Mencken
Christian — One who is willing to serve three Gods, but draws the line at one wife.

H. L. Mencken
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.

H. L. Mencken