Ed Byrne Quotes

12 Sourced Quotes

... and I've had to call somebody who purports to be some sort of boiler man... am I just unlucky or are plumbers evil lying bags of shit?

Ed Byrne
I did think about giving up smoking, but I decided not to, because I'm not a quitter. And I know that every cigarette I smoke takes five minutes off my life, but I also know it takes ten minutes to smoke it. That's a clear five-minute net gain, I reckon.

Ed Byrne
About the Smoking Ban:
The Irish are trying to be American, that's all it is. Everything American does Ireland has to do as well. Next thing you know, the Irish are going to start saying 'aluminum', and that'll be the last straw as far as I'm concerned. If that happens, I'm not going back! Everyone's got their own reasons to dislike Americans, 'aluminum' is top of my fucking list, ladies and gentleman. Aluminum cans, aluminum – what the fuck's aluminum foil? Honestly! Everyone knows it's pronounced 'tin'!

Ed Byrne
Trying to separate cigarettes and alcohol, that's against God's will!

Ed Byrne
For me snowboarding is basically like being beaten up by a mountain.

Ed Byrne
On LL Cool J's name:
He obviously went to a school where you get to pick your own fucking nickname, he did. "I shall be 'LL Cool J', 'Ladies Love Cool James'". "Nice one, God I wish I'd thought of that one for myself." If I'd gone to his school, my nickname probably would have been 'LL Nice E B T G P H A A F', which stands for 'Ladies Like Nice Ed But They Generally Prefer Him As A Friend'.

Ed Byrne
Do you know who I like? No, you don't. So I'm gonna tell you. Because if you all just did know who I like, then that would have been really weird, because it means you're in my head.

Ed Byrne
I'm all for Workers' Rights and stuff like that, that's fair enough. But imagine if you were working in a pub in some real rough-arse of inner-city North Dublin,... and you're built like, say, me. And you've got to go up to some bloke who looks like he's been lured down from a mountain with a hunk of meat, and he's just trying to enjoy his 'post-fight' cigarette, and you've got to tell him to put it out. Somewhere in the back of your head you're going to be thinking "Oh, thank you so much to the government for looking after my health." [pauses] Somewhere in the back of your head, where your nose is about to be.

Ed Byrne
It's a DVD, and some of it might be shown on TV, so I'll be keeping it clean. There'll be no swearing, bad language or dirty talk. No, no, none of that. Because as my mother always says, "if you have to swear to get laughs, then you're obviously a cunt."

Ed Byrne
[During 'Unlikely Things To Hear In The House of Lords'] Ive changed my name to E. Lordy, I want you all to call me Lord E. Lordy!

Ed Byrne
Sometimes in your everyday life, you should say the right thing. But the wrong thing is funnier.

Ed Byrne
Do you know what's odd and weird and strange - a democracy with a fucking Queen... Piers Morgan, who's a cock anyway... sweaty faced bollix.

Ed Byrne