David Wong (writer) - John Dies at the End (2007)

27 Sourced Quotes

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She sat one of the fluffy cats in my lap and stuffed the other down my shirt. She turned and left. 'There,' said the large man. 'The kittens will make your sad go away.

David Wong
You see, time is an ocean, not a garden hose. Space is a puff of smoke, a wisp of cloud.

David Wong
I once saw Arnold Schwarzenegger kill a man in a movie by grabbing his head and twisting it until the neck broke. Was that difficult? Could a man do it without a lot of practice?

David Wong
To this day I don't know if he was struggling with the moral implications of gunning down half a dozen civilians, or if he was mentally counting to see if he had that many shells left in the gun.

David Wong
Here's exclusive Channel 5 video of a local man having his brain eaten by a winged gremlin. Local gremlin experts warn that—

David Wong
There is no word in the English language for the feeling someone gets when they suddenly realize they're standing next to an unholy monster impersonating a human. Monstralization, maybe?

David Wong
Solving the following riddle will reveal the awful secret behind the universe, assuming you do not go utterly mad in the attempt. If you already happen to know the awful secret behind the universe, feel free to skip ahead.

David Wong
Guys like him, the ones who grip the Bible so tight they leave fingernail grooves, they're the ones who are the most scared of their dark side. Always going too far the other way, fighting for the Lord, often just because it gives them an excuse to fight.

David Wong
They came looking for dark and terrible revelations and instead found out something even more dark and terrible: that their lives were trite and boring.

David Wong
If I knew me as somebody else, I would hate me just as much. Why have a double standard?

David Wong
That ability to see the right choice, but not until several hours have passed since making the wrong one? That's what makes a person a dumbass, folks.

David Wong
Which would prove I'm a monster, Arnie? Sacrificing the people I love for the fight? Or walking away from the fight to save the people i love?

David Wong
Welcome to freakdom, Dave. It'll be time to start a Web site soon, where you'll type out everything in one huge paragraph.

David Wong
The phrase 'sodomized by a bratwurst poltergeist' suddenly flew through my mind.

David Wong
No, I don't, like, play an instrument or anything.I'm just...well, you saw me at the beginning there. I was the guy that fell down and died.

David Wong
And, well, that's my story," I said. "I'm sorry that it's so, you know. Retarded.

David Wong
Are the most dangerous creatures the ones that use doors or the ones that don't?

David Wong
All of society is built to prop up that lie, the whole world a big, noisy puppet show meant to distract us from the fact that at the end, you'll die, and you'll probably be alone.

David Wong
Life is a flickering candle we all carry around. A gust of wind, a meaningless accident, a microsecond of carelessness, and it's out. Forever.

David Wong
Antidepressants. The thought of this girl actually being depressed made me want to grab the whole planet and throw it into the sun. Well, more than usual anyway.

David Wong
John flung himself into a pseudo-karate stance, one hand poised behind him and one in front, posed like a cartoon cactus. I thought for an odd moment he had moved his limbs so fast they had made that whoosh sound through air but then I realized John was making that sound with his mouth.

David Wong
And watch out for Molly. See if she does anything unusual. There's something I don't trust about the way she exploded and then came back from the dead like that.

David Wong
Let's say you have an ax. Just a cheap one, from Home Depot. On one bitter winter day, you use said ax to behead a man. Don't worry, the man was already dead. Or maybe you should worry, because you're the one who shot him.

David Wong
He whipped the chair around and actually split one of the things in half with the impact, spilling the spray of blood that was reflective, like mercury. John bellowed, "Anyone else want to donate blood to chair-ity?" He ducked into the the door and bashed one monster right in the wig, screaming, "There's some dessert! With a chair-y on top!

David Wong
You see, Frank found out the hard way that the dark things lurking in the night don't haunt old houses or abandoned ships. They haunt minds.

David Wong
Something coming back from the dead was almost always bad news. Movies taught me that. For every one Jesus you get a million zombies.

David Wong
I wanted to curl up into a fetal position and start sucking my thumb, let my tears and dripping saliva pool under me. Sorry. I tried living, tried being sentient. Can't do it. Can't live in the same universe with that.

David Wong