Dave Attell Short Quotes

21 Sourced Quotes

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The sun comes up and so does your dick. 'Cause at heart your dick's a farmer!

Dave Attell
I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.

Dave Attell
So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

Dave Attell
Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!

Dave Attell
Even now, as we speak, people are having sex with animals. And we wonder why the animals attack us.

Dave Attell
Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.

Dave Attell
Some things are the same wherever you go. Like, if it feels like more than two fingers, it's probably a dick.

Dave Attell
My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.

Dave Attell
Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.

Dave Attell
You gotta make your own fun (Audience member cheers). That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.

Dave Attell
If you see a man running down the street cock-flapping, you run with that man. 'Cause there is some scary shit coming the other way.

Dave Attell
Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

Dave Attell
Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

Dave Attell
Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? "Damn I got to get the hell out of here!" "What was I thinking!"

Dave Attell
I'm very romantic when I masturbate. I light some candles. Then I try to shoot them out when I'm done. Never invite me to a birthday party.

Dave Attell
She was drunk so I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.

Dave Attell
I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.

Dave Attell
They have a luggage store at the airport? I mean, how late do you have to be running? Don't worry honey just grab a pile of shit... we'll get a bag at the airport!

Dave Attell
If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! 'Cause everybody likes one of those things.

Dave Attell
Every man wonders about the size of their penis. Laying in bed alone at night, or in a hammock with a parrot. You start thinking, Do I have a small penis or just gigantic balls?

Dave Attell
Florida looks like a gigantic penis! Doesn't it? Have you ever googled it? It looks like a gigantic peener! About to shoot a load of freedom all over Cuba. A bukkake of choices and ideas.

Dave Attell