Daniel Tosh Short Quotes

12 Sourced Quotes

View all Daniel Tosh Quotes
You know who LOVES to get fisted? Sock puppets. That joke is adorable!

Daniel Tosh
Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

Daniel Tosh
I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

Daniel Tosh
The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?

Daniel Tosh
I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having another man around the house...

Daniel Tosh
Anal sex is a lot like spinach: if you're forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult.

Daniel Tosh
Don't get lost on a hike there. You'll end up on YouTube without a head, and there's no web redemption for that.

Daniel Tosh
Thank you … San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you … for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

Daniel Tosh
You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"

Daniel Tosh
Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, Hey, at least I'm not pregnant

Daniel Tosh
Even when I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. I'd be like, "Hey, so I guess I'll see you later," and he's, like, "Whatever, queer". That's a hate crime!

Daniel Tosh
You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.

Daniel Tosh