Bill Cosby Quotes

37 Sourced Quotes

You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don't want to see the dog doing them.

Bill Cosby
No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.

Bill Cosby
The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now.

Bill Cosby
I know I didn't say anything, but I'm asking your integrity that since I didn't wanna say anything, but I did answer you, in terms of I don't wanna say anything of what value will it have?... And I would appreciate it if it was scuttled.

Bill Cosby
My wife stood up in the stirrups, grabbed my bottom lip and said "I want morphine!" I said "But, dear —" [vigorously breathing]. She said "You shut up! YOU did this to me!" And on the next contraction she told everybody in the delivery room that my parents were never married.

Bill Cosby
Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.

Bill Cosby
We see a successful, elegant man now, but as a child, an adolescent, his life was not a done deal. Sidney respected his mistakes. When failure came, he never said, "This is too difficult, too hard," he had the resiliency to try again. His life is somewhere between astounding and unbelievable.

Bill Cosby
I was a physical education major with a child psychology minor at Temple, which means if you ask me a question about a child's behavior, I will advise you to tell the child to take a lap.

Bill Cosby
I do want to die before my wife and the reason is this: if it is true that when you die, your soul goes up to judgment, I don't want my wife up there ahead of me to tell them things.

Bill Cosby
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

Bill Cosby
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

Bill Cosby
The lower-economic people are not holding up their end in this deal. These people are not parenting. They are buying things for kids—$500 sneakers for what? And won't spend $200 for Hooked on Phonics.

Bill Cosby
And to those people with no children but who think they'd like to have them some day to fulfill their lives. Remember: With fulfillment comes responsibility.

Bill Cosby
Your dirty laundry gets out of school at 2:30 every day, it's cursing and calling each other nigger as they're walking up and down the street. They can't read; they can't write. They're laughing and giggling, and they're going nowhere.

Bill Cosby
A baseball manager has learned a lot about his job from having played the game, but a parent has not learned a thing from having once been a child.

Bill Cosby
"Don't worry about senility" my grandfather used to say. "When it hits you, you won't know it."

Bill Cosby
It doesn't make any difference how much money a father earns, his name is always Dad-Can-I.... Like all other children, my five have one great talent: they are gifted beggars. Not one of them ever ran into the room, looked up at me, and said, "I'm really happy that you're my father, and as a tangible token of my appreciation, here's a dollar.

Bill Cosby
I Hope for my sake if you're ever in an accident you put on clean underwear... well I thought that's what an accident was.

Bill Cosby
And my brother Russell thought his name was Dammit!
Dammit, will you stop all that noise?!

Bill Cosby
My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, "You know, I brought you in this world, and I can take you out. And it don't make no difference to me, I'll make another one look just like you."

Bill Cosby
Men and women belong to different species, and communication between them is a science still in its infancy.

Bill Cosby
I have always been proud of my association with Temple University. I have always wanted to do what would be in the best interests of the university and its students. As a result, I have tendered my resignation from the Temple University Board of Trustees.

Bill Cosby
You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any.

Bill Cosby
I am not interested in statistics that tell me things are not as bad as they seem. Things are horrible. I have met people crying about what is happening, but there is no solution yet. Our children are trying to tell us something, and we are not listening. I don't care what the statistics say.

Bill Cosby
A person with no children says, "Well I just love children," and you say "Why?" and they say, "Because a child is so truthful, that's what I love about 'em — they tell the truth." That's a lie, I've got five of 'em. The only time they tell the truth is if they're having pain.

Bill Cosby
Suddenly, this romantic agony was enriched by a less romantic one: I had to go to the bathroom. Needless to say, I couldn't let her know about this urge, for great lovers never did such things. The answer to "Romeo Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?" was not "In the men's room, Julie.

Bill Cosby
A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.

Bill Cosby
Never say "that was before your time," because the last full moon was before their time.

Bill Cosby
I did not want to turn to playing golf because golf is about as much exercise as shuffling cards.

Bill Cosby
I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Bill Cosby