20th-century Humorist Quotes

Ben Stein

Sue Townsend

John Hodgman

Pierre Daninos

Simon Rich

Sandra Boynton

S. G. Browne

One of the marked superiorities the English enjoy over other peoples is their ability to imbue the foreigner with a crippling inferiority complex the moment he sets foot on British soil.

There are actual monsters in the world, but when my kids ask I pretend like there aren't.

There will be more words written on Twitter in the next two years than contained in all books ever printed.

Christian Rudder

"Hi," I said. She came over, licked my hand discreetly, allowed herself to be scratched for a time, chased her tail in a dignified circle, lay down again. I remember thinking: "There are times God puts a choice in front of you." I often had such thoughts back then. We took the dog.

People who can least afford to pay rent, pay rent. People who can most afford to pay rent, build up equity.

One of the most unfortunate things about being an unfit Englishman cycling long distances in France is the number of signs that yell 'PAIN' down every high street.

The pen is mightier than the sword. The case for prescriptions rather than surgery.

My mother tries to explain that I need support and that I'm just going through a period of adjustment. "Like puberty," she says.

According to child-experts—and every child is an expert on something—the function of a parent is to provide information, entertainment, transportation, and spot cash on demand.

History is not what you thought. It is what you can remember.

Most social problems could be helped or prevented if people had more money and practical advice.

[Geologist] A scientist whose life is less sedentary than sedimentary.

One of those looks which only a quarter-century of wedlock can adequately marinate.

As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.

You want to know what I make? I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could. I can make a C+ feel like a Congressional Medal of Honor and an A-minus feel like a slap in the face.

I have no idea where the concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution, and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.

If you have not seen it, FOOTBALL is a game in which men shove one another back and forth for no reason. They do not choose how, when, or whom they shove. They are doing this in order to please one angry old man on the sidelines. This old man is called the 'coach' or 'yelling surrogate' dad who will never be happy.