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Warren Farrell -
Women Can't Hear What Men Don't Say (1998)
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Why did virtually every culture reward its men for enduring violence? So it would have a cadre of people available to protect it in war.
Warren Farrell
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The belief that men don't need help is part of the problem.
Warren Farrell
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Both sexes had an unconscious investment in keeping men from expressing feelings of fear and vulnerability.
Warren Farrell
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In the future, women will increasingly want men who can nurture them and connect with them.
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Those feminists who say that masculinity is about men believing they can batter women display the deepest ignorance possible about men and masculinity.
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In more than thirty years of conducting workshops, no one has ever said to me, Warren, I want a divorce – my partner understands me.
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In the past, socializing men to become the best killer-protectors led to the survival of the fittest. In the future, with nuclear technology, training killers is more likely to lead to the destruction of everyone.
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Empathy for women is an attribute of masculinity. When men play the protector role they are trying to save a woman from grief or pain. If they had no glimpse of her grief or pain, they wouldn't know when to protect.
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Societies in which men were unwilling to dispose of themselves in war were societies that usually got disposed of. Societies that were protected were protected by killers, which is why I call the traditional role of men the role of killer-protector.
Warren Farrell
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After divorce, women's biggest fear is economic deprivation; men's biggest fear is emotional deprivation.
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During what years should a child be introduced to better ways of giving and receiving criticisms – to what I call relationship language? Before school age. The best teacher? Parents.
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A woman living with her mother has limited freedom; a man living with his mother has limited freedom and limited respect. For most men, the vacuum (of no support system) is so devastating, they'd rather agree with their wife than express their feelings and risk emotional withdrawal.
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If we have integrity about our desire to support men to express feelings, every institution and attitude between the sexes will require questioning and adjusting.
Warren Farrell
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If we believe that it is predominantly men who batter women, it is hard to see why women also need to change: We will continue saying, Just change the men. They're the batterers.
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The nature of men's responsibilities distanced men from feelings, whereas the nature of women's responsibilities encouraged the expression of feelings.
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Men learn to call pain glory ; women learn to call the police.
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Hochschild's biggest mistake, though, was one made by almost every popularized housework study: not adequately measuring men's contribution to work around the home. For example, if mom drives the children to daycare, it's called housework; if dad drives the family to grandma's, it isn't called housework.
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When either sex suppresses the expression of feelings, it's almost always b/c they don't feel there is a safe environment to express them.
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Listening is self-empowerment via the empowerment of others.
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The ridicule is pressure to consider ourselves less important than someone even more precious: A baby is more precious than a mother; a woman is more precious than a man.
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All defensive responses to criticism are natural. (It is natural to think of our own perspective before someone else's.)
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Quote of the day
Life is just what happens to you, while you're busy making other plans.
John Lennon
Warren Farrell
Creative Commons
Born:
June 26, 1943
(age 81)
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