Stephen Colbert Short Quotes

25 Sourced Quotes

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I believe it's yogurt, but I refuse to believe it's not butter.

Stephen Colbert
I think of him as well intentioned, poorly informed, high status idiot.

Stephen Colbert
Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

Stephen Colbert
Never leave the house without an umbrella... or with one. It's your choice.

Stephen Colbert
Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.

Stephen Colbert
All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.

Stephen Colbert
While skin and race are often synonymous, skin cleansing is good, race cleansing is bad.

Stephen Colbert
It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

Stephen Colbert
Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!

Stephen Colbert
If I want to say he didn't that's my right, and now, thanks to Wikipedia — it's also a fact.

Stephen Colbert
Donald Trump refuses to be politically correct. And just to be safe, he refuses to be correct.

Stephen Colbert
Ambassador Zhou Wenzhong, welcome! Your great country [of China] makes our Happy Meals possible!

Stephen Colbert
Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.

Stephen Colbert
So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.

Stephen Colbert
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you're in business, buddy.

Stephen Colbert
We claim no respectability. There's no status I would not surrender for a joke. So we don't have to defend anything.

Stephen Colbert
The market is not finished. The market still has over nine thousand points to drop. We'll get to Christmas at least.

Stephen Colbert
Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.

Stephen Colbert
My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned, but an idiot… So we said, "Let's give him a promotion."

Stephen Colbert
And I just like the guy. He's a good joe. Obviously loves his wife, calls her his better half, and polls show America agrees.

Stephen Colbert
I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it the "No Fact Zone". Fox News, I hold a copyright on that term.

Stephen Colbert
I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out of plastic for three cents a unit.

Stephen Colbert
After acting for so many years, do you know who you are anymore? Because actors are liars basically, you lie about who you are to an audience.

Stephen Colbert
Who's Britannica to tell me that the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say that it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American.

Stephen Colbert
I didn't realize quite how liberal I was until I was asked to make passionate comedic choices as opposed to necessarily successful comedic choices.

Stephen Colbert
I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible — I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical.

Stephen Colbert
I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

Stephen Colbert
Somebody pinch me. You know what? I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face. Is he really not here tonight? Dammit.

Stephen Colbert
Throughout human history, countries rise and fall. But not America-we continue to rise and rise, like dough, until Jesus bakes us in the fiery Afterscape of the Rapture.

Stephen Colbert
The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday — no matter what happened Tuesday.

Stephen Colbert