If you really want space on public transport you should carry some pornography from the 1970s and a pair of children's safety scissors, then delicately cut out all the eyes of the glamour models whilst whistling. Every now and again mutter, 'Why are women more beautiful when they are eyeless?' You will be able to stretch out, though this can have ramifications such as ending up on a police list or being run out of town.

Robin Ince's Bad Book Club: One man's quest to uncover the books that taste forgot (ed. Hachette UK, 2010) - ISBN: 9780748115136