Joey Comeau - Overqualified (2009)

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We need a new Mario game where you rescue the princess in the first ten minutes, and for the rest of the game you try to push down that sick feeling in your stomach telling you she's "damaged goods," a concept detailed again and again in the profoundly sex-negative instruction booklet, and when Luigi makes a crack about her and Bowser, you break his nose and immediately regret it. Peach asks you, in the quiet of her mushroom castle bedroom, "Do you still love me?" and you pretend to be asleep. You press A button rhythmically, to control your breath, to keep even.

Joey Comeau
The depression and suicidal fantasies of three years ago are nothing but a memory to me now.

Joey Comeau
Live for today you retarded little shit. The end is near.

Joey Comeau
Sometimes I think dent-resistant side panels are a waste of money, but then I remember ladies be always throwing themselves at my car, and titties can wreak havoc on a paint job.

Joey Comeau
My dead family and I are in your debt, and I long to help you in any way I can.

Joey Comeau
Now I feel I am ready to face a world with sharp corners and all. I feel I am ready to come to work for Abrasion Enterprises.

Joey Comeau
I had a shirt made up that says, "I consistently make poor life choices." The shirt was not very popular.

Joey Comeau
I have a form of ESP that allows me to consistently pick losing lottery numbers, and generally make poor life choices.

Joey Comeau
I am writing to apply for the position of bookkeeper. Attached, you will find my list of qualifications. I have been keeping books for four years now, and I am never going to give them back.

Joey Comeau