Joe Dunthorne - Submarine (2008)

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My mother tells me I do not chew my food enough; she says I am making it harder for my body to get the essential nutrients it needs. If she were here, I would remind her that I am eating a blueberry Pop-Tart.

Joe Dunthorne
I spin around on the swivel chair and look up at the ceiling; Oliver being Oliver being Oliver being Oliver. I am suddenly aware of the separation between my-actual-self and myself-as-seen-by-others. Who would win in an arm wrestle? Who is better-looking? Who has the higher IQ?

Joe Dunthorne
That's a big love letter," she says, squinting. I know what I'm going to say and for a moment I wish there was a film crew documenting my day-to-day life: "I've got a big heart," I say.

Joe Dunthorne
Exercise II. Write a diary, imagining that you are trying to make an old person jealous. I have written an example to get you started: Dear Diary, I spent the morning admiring my skin elasticity. God alive, I feel supple.

Joe Dunthorne
After that, we had a short conversation about how your body can sometimes seem totally separate. She said her body can feel like a distant bureaucracy controlled by telegrams from her brain, and I said my body is sometimes like that of Mario Mario, being controlled with a Nintendo joypad. Mario's surname is Mario.

Joe Dunthorne
I would never say snog. I would say osculate." She looks at me as if to say: why do you exist?

Joe Dunthorne
It is strange to hear your mother talk about being human because, honestly, it's too easy to forget.

Joe Dunthorne
I want to grab her collarbones as if they were handlebars.

Joe Dunthorne
I bought a packet of Trojan® Ultra Pleasure Extra Sensitive condoms: 'No. 1 in AMERICA'. They smell nothing like a positive first sexual experience.

Joe Dunthorne
Anger does not come easy to me. It is something I have to encourage, like a greyhound in second place.

Joe Dunthorne