Jeff Foxworthy Short Quotes

17 Sourced Quotes

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[what men are thinking] I'd like a beer and I'd like to see something naked.

Jeff Foxworthy
To his wife:
You do not have testicular cancer. You don't even have "testiculars"!

Jeff Foxworthy
If you're a man and you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay or married.

Jeff Foxworthy
Talking with Gary Busey is kinda like sex. You want to do it, you just don't want to be alone when you do it.

Jeff Foxworthy
If you're a man and you've ever been antique shopping during a big football game, you're either gay or married.

Jeff Foxworthy
Hell, when I was in high school, a "drive-by shooting" meant somebody had their rear end hanging out a car window!

Jeff Foxworthy
Do you know why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder? 'Cause there's no dental records and all the DNA is the same.

Jeff Foxworthy
On life's list of fun things to do, [visiting my in-laws] comes in somewhere below sitting in a tub full of scissors.

Jeff Foxworthy
You might be a redneck if you stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

Jeff Foxworthy
My mother won't drive 50 miles an hour. You put her in a rental car, she's doing doughnuts in the grocery store parking lot!

Jeff Foxworthy
You break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.

Jeff Foxworthy
I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.

Jeff Foxworthy
I've often said working with Larry is a lot like watching the Jerry Springer Show. After five minutes, you will feel better about your own family.

Jeff Foxworthy
[from a skit about airports] You know you're in trouble when at the control tower, there's a note taped to the door that says "Back in five minutes."

Jeff Foxworthy
People always ask me, "Did you see Larry's latest movie?" I always say, "No, but I flushed a ten dollar bill down the toilet, so I feel like I've seen it."

Jeff Foxworthy
My mom thinks my new daughter is exceptionally bright, because now she will lie on the floor and talk to the ceiling fan. I said, "Mom, Uncle Harold does that and y'all call him an alcoholic."

Jeff Foxworthy
Buying a used rental car is kind of like going to a house of ill repute looking for a wife. Anything that's been driven that hard by that many people, you really don't want to put your key in it.

Jeff Foxworthy