Gabriel Iglesias Quotes

7 Sourced Quotes

People ask me, "Why do you drink diet soda?" So I can eat regular cake!

Gabriel Iglesias
My favorite thing [about Latino television] are the commercials. Because they're always about sex. You don't know what the product is until, like, the last two seconds. It's always some model comes walking out, all sexy, like, [Mimics sexy music] [Feminine voice] "Hola." [Resumes music] [Femimine voice] "Ay carrico!"... And on the 28th second, like, [Mimics female giving a pleasured shout]..."Pepsi." [Audience laughs] And you're sitting there, going, "I gotta go get a Pepsi!"

Gabriel Iglesias
The cop comes up all mean and says, "You know why I stopped you?" I looked at him with a straight face and said, "'Cause I'm BLACK! Ha ha, hell yeah, man; wazzup playa?" He turns on the flashlight; "Get the hell out of here, stupid." "Yea-yea!"

Gabriel Iglesias
I'm gonna tell you something right now, Indian people in the United States are the hardest working people I've ever seen, and that's coming from a Mexican, okay?

Gabriel Iglesias
And then I realized I was being checked out by GUYS! And I know they were checking me out, because they were looking at me like I look at tacos. And I thought to myself, "Oh my god, I can turn on a man! [Grins and struts] Shoot!" And I called my girlfriend, and I said, "Baby, you better not mess this up; I have options!"

Gabriel Iglesias
You know when you're [driving] drunk, you're like [Imitates car driving and going over the bumps on the edge of the road], behind you, you hear [Imitates big rig horn] [slurring] "Shut up, stupid!" You know, if you hear the magical sound [Imitates police siren], one of two things will pop in your head. Either one, [slurring] "I'm okay, I'm fine... I can beat this." Or two, [police siren] "I'm gonna go to jail. Ima gonna jail. Hey, gonna hafta let you go babe, Ima gonna jail."

Gabriel Iglesias
I have a thing for soda, I love it. [Points to the side of the stage] I know they gave me water, but- [Looks over to the side] Ooh-hoo, a soda! [Walks to it] I didn't even see it there. [Goes to a stool on the side of the stage, a bottle of water and a glass of soda sitting on it.] Excuse me, uno momento. [Picks up the glass of soda]..."Pepsi."

Gabriel Iglesias