Emo Philips Short Quotes

25 Sourced Quotes

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People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

Emo Philips
You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

Emo Philips
How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.

Emo Philips
Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy.

Emo Philips
I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

Emo Philips
I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."

Emo Philips
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!"

Emo Philips
People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

Emo Philips
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: "A truck!"

Emo Philips
My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.

Emo Philips
So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

Emo Philips
I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

Emo Philips
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

Emo Philips
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

Emo Philips
I like walking in the park... plucking out nose hairs. Those sleeping winos hate that.

Emo Philips
When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

Emo Philips
I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

Emo Philips
You know, at parties, people always ask, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi!

Emo Philips
My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets...

Emo Philips
People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.

Emo Philips
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.

Emo Philips
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me... and I got it!

Emo Philips
A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon..."

Emo Philips
When I was a little boy, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised, the Lord, in his wisdom, doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Emo Philips
When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would … and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

Emo Philips