Deborah Tannen - You Just Don't Understand (1990)

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The biggest mistake is believing that there is one right way to listen, to talk, to have a conversation — or a relationship.

Deborah Tannen
Communication is a continual balancing act, juggling the conflicting needs for intimacy and independence.

Deborah Tannen
Each person's life is lived as a series of conversations.

Deborah Tannen
We all know we are unique individuals, but we tend to see others as representatives of groups.

Deborah Tannen
When those closest to us respond to events differently than we do, when they seem to see the same scene as part of a different play, when they say things that we could not imagine saying in the same circumstances, the ground on which we stand seems to tremble and our footing is suddenly unsure.

Deborah Tannen
Though all human beings need both intimacy and independence, women tend to focus on the first and men on the second. It is as if their lifeblood ran in different directions.

Deborah Tannen
To survive in the world, we have to act in concert with others, but to survive as ourselves, rather than simply as cogs in a wheel, we have to act alone.

Deborah Tannen
Many women feel it is natural to consult with their partners at every turn, while many men automatically make more decisions without consulting their partners.

Deborah Tannen
The desire for freedom and independence becomes more of an issue for many men in relationships, whereas interdependence and connection become more of an issue for many women.

Deborah Tannen
The chivalrous man who holds a door open or signals a woman to go ahead of him when he's driving is negotiating both status and connection.

Deborah Tannen
Girls are not accustomed to jockeying for status in an obvious way; they are more concerned that they be liked.

Deborah Tannen