David Levithan - The Lover's Dictionary (2010)

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Hubris, n. Every time I call you mine, I feel like I'm forcing it, as if saying it can make it so. As if I'm reminding you, and reminding the universe: mine. As if that one word from me could have that kind of power.

David Levithan
"I want you to spend the night," you said. And it was definitely your phrasing that ensured it. If you had said, "Let's have sex," or "Let's go to my place," or even "I really want you," I'm not sure we would have gone quite as far as we did. But I loved the notion that the night was mine to spend, and I immediately decided to spend it with you.

David Levithan
There has to be a moment at the beginning when you wonder whether you're in love with the person or in love with the feeling of love itself.

David Levithan
This is a difference between us: you desire what other people have, while I desire the things I used to have, or think I might have one day.

David Levithan
It's the way you say thank you like you're genuinely thankful. I have never met anyone else who does that on a regular basis.

David Levithan
Gravity, n. I imagine you saved my life. And then I wonder if I'm just imagining it.

David Levithan
Indelible, adj. That first night, you took your finger and pointed to the top of my head, then traced a line between my eyes, down my nose, over my lips, my chin, my neck, to the center of my chest. It was so surprising. I knew I would never mimic it. That one gesture would be yours forever.

David Levithan
I try to convince myself that it's the alcohol talking. But alcohol can't talk. It just sits there. It can't even get itself out of the bottle.

David Levithan
Stanchion, n. I don't want to be the strong one, but I don't want to be the weak one either. Why does it feel like it's always one or the other? When we embrace, one of us is always holding the other a little tighter.

David Levithan
Breathing, n You had asthma as a child, had to carry around an inhaler. But when you grew older, it went away. You could run for miles and it was fine. Sometimes I worry that this is happening to me in reverse. The older I get, the more I lose my ability to breathe.

David Levithan
You never let things go unanswered for too long. Emails. Phone calls. Questions. As if you know the waiting is the hardest part for me.

David Levithan
Dissonance, n. Nights when I need to sleep and you can't. Days when I want to talk to you and you won't. Hours when every noise you make interferes with my silence. Weeks when there is a buzzing in the air, and we both pretend we don't here it.

David Levithan
Maybe language is kind, giving us these double meanings. Maybe it's trying to teach us a lesson, that we can always be two things at once.

David Levithan
Incessant adj. The doubts. You had to save me from my constant doubts. That deep-seeded feeling that I wasn't good enough for anything I was a fake at my job I wasn't your equal my friends would forget me if I moved away for a month. It wasn't as easy as hearing voices nobody was telling me this. It was just something I knew. Everyone else was playing along but I was sure that one day they would all stop.

David Levithan
Exemplar, n. It's always something we have to negotiate- the face that my parents are happy, and yours have never been. I have something to live up to, and if I fail, I still have a family to welcome me home. You have a storyline to rewrite, and a lack of faith that it can ever be done. You love my parents, I know. But you never get too close. You never truly believe there aren't bad secrets underneath.

David Levithan
When I say, "Be my lover", I don't mean, "Let's have an affair." I don't mean "Sleep with me." I don't mean, "Be my secret." I want us to go back down to that root. I want you to be the one who loves me. I want to be the one who loves you.

David Levithan
Barfly n. You have the ability to talk to anyone which is an ability I do not share.

David Levithan
You make it a production. Slam doors. Knock things over. Scream. But I just leave. Even if I'm still standing there, I leave. I am refusing you. I am denying you. I am an adjective that is quickly turning into a noun.

David Levithan
I never know what you really want, if I can give it to you, or if I'm already too late.

David Levithan
We were painting by numbers, starting with the greens. Because that happened to be our favorite color. And this, we figured, had to mean something.

David Levithan
There are times when I worry that I've already lost myself. That is, that my self is so inseparable from being with you that if we were to separate, I would no longer be. I save this thought for when I feel the darkest discontent. I never meant to depend so much on someone else.

David Levithan
As long as we can conjure, who needs anything else? As long as we can agree on the magical lie and be happy, what more is there to ask for? I loved you from that moment on, I say. I loved you from that moment on, you agree.

David Levithan
And I told you: I think of a photograph you took of me, up in Montreal. You told me to jump in the air, so in the picture, my feet are off the ground. Later, I asked you why you wanted me to do that, and you told me it was the only way to get me to forget about the expression on my face. You were right. I am completely unposed, completely genuine. In my mind's eye, I picture myself like that, reacting to you.

David Levithan
Dispel, v. It was the way you said, I have something to tell you. I could feel the magic drain from the room.

David Levithan
The key is to never recognize these imbalances. To not let the dauntingness daunt us.

David Levithan
People often say that when couples are married for a long time, they start to look alike. I don't believe that. But I do believe their sentences start to look alike.

David Levithan
I still don't know if this is a good quality or a bad one, to be able to be in the moment and then step out of it.

David Levithan
I never understood why anyone would have sex on the floor. Until I was with you and I realized: you don't realize you're on the floor.

David Levithan
Our lives change. Our feelings for each other change. Our bearings change. The song changes. The air changes. The temperature of the shower changes. Accept this. We must accept this.

David Levithan
There are things I miss," you said. "But if I didn't have you, I'd miss more.

David Levithan