Art Buchwald Quotes

26 Sourced Quotes

Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new... program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was.

Art Buchwald
Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.

Art Buchwald
If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.

Art Buchwald
You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.

Art Buchwald
I like champagne—because it always tastes like my foot's asleep.

Art Buchwald
New York was the glamorous town that you only see now in old movies and on Broadway stages. The sky was lit up with dancing neon signs. It was safe to walk out in the streets.

Art Buchwald
War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.

Art Buchwald
Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.

Art Buchwald
The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.

Art Buchwald
No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.

Art Buchwald
It was a dangerous profession I had chosen... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.

Art Buchwald
While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.

Art Buchwald
I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.

Art Buchwald
Ascot is so exclusive that it is the only racecourse in the world where the horses own the people.

Art Buchwald
The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.

Art Buchwald
People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, 'I'm getting even.'... For me, being funny is the best revenge.

Art Buchwald
A bad liver is to a Frenchman what a nervous breakdown is to an American. Everyone has had one and everyone wants to talk about it.

Art Buchwald
The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.

Art Buchwald
Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.

Art Buchwald
Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, "I am not a crook." Jimmy Carter says, "I have lusted after women in my heart." President Reagan says, "I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope."

Art Buchwald
Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?

Art Buchwald
There isn't a child who hasn't gone out into the brave new world who eventually doesn't return to the old homestead carrying a bundle of dirty clothes.

Art Buchwald
People who live in glass houses have to wash their windows all the time.

Art Buchwald
I just don't want to die the same day Castro dies.

Art Buchwald
As my good friend Al Capp told me a few years ago, the best thing to do with a confirmed [hotel] reservation slip when you have no room is to spread it out on the sidewalk in front of the hotel and go to sleep on it. You'll either embarrass the hotel into giving you a room or you'll be hauled off to the local jug, where at least you'll have a roof over your head.

Art Buchwald
People are broad-minded. They'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't drive, there's something wrong with him.

Art Buchwald